Written by Frogmarsh Peterson
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Topics: Conservative

Sunday, 5 December 2004

Conservative religious groups have reminded Bush that because of their support during the election, he owes them.

It's pretty much a given that conservative religious groups such as the Ku Klux Klan will support the Republican party come election time, but most surprisingly 2004 saw an increase in Catholic voters.

Bishop Patrick O'Christian explains why he made the switch from Democrat to Godly Republican:

"I know that GOP is riddled with protestant whores and other hell-bound non-catholics, but it is their rightful condemnation of the sissy fairies and bull dykes that impressed me. Not only that but they support a fetus's right to chose."

Ann Spudnik of the Sweet Baby Jesus Baptist church, Golden Springs, Texas explained why she felt Bush was their [christianity's] puppet now.

"We God-fearing christians sent out a message during that election that we are conservative and Godly. Bush has a moral mandate to be our puppet and we expect he starts legislating against the nelly-queens, tom-boys and Demoncrats".

Asked about her feelings toward the new Catholic recruits to the conservative cause, Ms Spudnik had this to say:

"Hey if them caffylicks are dumb enough to vote for a true christian who'll haul their asses to the fiery sodom caves of Hell then that's ok by me!"

More liberal Catholics who remained Democrat explained that right-wing catholics would be more suited to mediaeval Europe than 21st century America.

"What they don't realise..."
said Father Ernesto Hernandez, of the Church of the Inaudible Anunciation, "...is that giving to the poor [welfare], loving each other, opposing the death penalty, forgiving those who have trespassed against us etc are values that Catholics share with the majoirty of Democrats."

He went on to say:

"Bombing abortion clinics, burning witches at the stake, skewering gays on a red hot poker, and going off on crusades should be left in the mediaeval era!"

Grand Cyclops Edward Pendergraaft of the Church of the White Knight Crusaders, dismissed Fr. Hernandez' comments:

"Screeching homersexeural latrino bull! 'God is love?' Give me a break! God is a jealous and short-tempered old white guy that aint afraid to start a flood here or a fire and brimstone spectacular there."

Grand Cyclops Pendergraaft went on to say,

"But I do agree with them colored loving Baptists and pedophile endorsing bead counters that Bush is our baby now! Step aside Cheney, and remove your hand, let us [right-wing fundamentalists] get our hands up Bush and start pressing the controls!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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