PORT TRINITY, TN - Just when everyone thought the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich on Ebay was the most famous holy food relic to date, along comes Harvey Romano of Port Trinity, Tennessee, with his claim to a Velveeta holy sculpture.
Romano refers to his pasteurized, processed cheese food form as Cheesus because it so strongly resembles his personal Savior. Romano told reporters that Cheesus appeared to him one hot, summer day only a few hours after he had visited the local Piggly Wiggly grocery in his hometown of Port Trinity.
"I'd bought some groceries, and I stopped for confession with Father Tony before I drove back to my farm," he said. "I had a really intense and soul-cleansing confession, and I remember the priest told me that I should always be mindful to be on the lookout for the signs and wonders of God."
Romano said that when he arrived home from confession and began putting his groceries away, he noticed the box of Velveeta he had purchased was "glowing as if it had some kind of a halo." Upon opening its cardboard container and removing the protective foil, Romano said he immediately dropped to his knees and began to pray when he saw the shape the Velveeta had assumed.
"It was a perfect likeness of my Savior, Cheesus," he said.
Romano eagerly showed his holy Velveeta to reporters, and pointed out that the reason that Cheesus was missing the lower half of his body was due to an unfortunate circumstance when one of his young nephews mistakenly identified Cheesus as an afternoon snack.
"He didn't realize that he was eating Cheesus," said Romano, who wept as he recalled the incident. "He thought Cheesus was like one of those orange marshmallow peanuts he gets at Easter, and he bit before I could stop him."
Romano added that he wrested the bottom half of Cheesus from his nephew's mouth, but it had already lost its Divine shape.
"I know it was Cheesus who made that Virgin Mary grilled cheese on Ebay come out looking like His mother," Romano told reporters in on Tuesday. "He is truly a miracle worker, and I had no idea that Mary looked so much like Jean Harlow."