Washington D.C.- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld held a special news conference today to speak his feelings and the role his cabinet will play in the new Bush Administration.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you here today to announce my new and improved cabinet position. My goal is two fold, to expand my cabinet, and at the same time expand my cabinet. Pending approval of the President, I will be improving and moving my Secretary of Defense cabinet cabinet.
My cabinet's cabinet was over by the Secretary of Agriculture and Secretary of Interior, and that just didn't fit. The thinking behind this new cabinet position is to arrange it closer to the Department of Homeland Security and the Secretary of State. This way if I need to collaborate with, say Tom Ridge, I have easy access to his cabinet's cabinet. Plus the new cabinet position will put me closer to the buffet table and wet bar.
I am also looking into modifying my cabinet and cabinet alike. Because of the ongoing war and an increase in Defense, I am constantly adding to our Defense Resources. This also means I will be adding to the cabinet in the White House Cabinet Room. I'm having the work contracted out to add another sixteen inches in width to the old, wooden cabinet- you know, for jackets and accessories that the new Defense team might want to store there. Upon completion, the new cabinet will be strengthened like never before.
The mission with the new cabinet cabinet is to widen our scope. We never know when we are in danger of attack, in danger of foreign terror plotting, or in danger of running out of space to properly keep our cabinet-related items and the like.
It will be able to store talent. Talent that will align and defend our country better than ever before.
It will be able to store intelligence. Intelligence that will use a proactive and precise method for defending our country.
It will be able to store personal possessions. Shoes, raingear, purses and anything else that the newly appointed cabinet Defense team wants to put in there.
Thank you for your time."