Secretary of Education, Rod Paige, Finally to Pursue Degree
from Accredited University
In a courageous admission, Rod Paige admitted today that his claim to graduate from Indiana University had been exaggerated. He said that on his previous job applications he had always stated he had been through Indiana University and emerged with a doctorate, not graduated from the prestigious university. "It's all been a big mistake", Dr. Paige stated in an interview with Bill O'Reilly, immoral Fox News conservative commentator on Thursday.
The "doctorate" that Dr. Paige picked up while going through Indiana University has now been identified as a twenty-nine year old professor of Home Economics, Dr. Donna Simpliton, of Akron, Ohio. Simpliton was hitchhiking on campus and Paige gave her a ride to a nearby Target Store to buy baking soda. Contacted by this journalist, Dr. Simpliton denied comment, complicity or recollection of the incident.
Although Dr. Paige's tenure as Head of the Houston, Texas, Independent School District was marked by excellent advances in the state standardized tests results, a drastically reduced dropout rate among all ethnic groups and an upturn in college bound students, all these improvements were later found to be based on "doctored" records. There seems to be no documentation to support statements of improvements often cited by Governor George W. Bush in his 2000 election campaign as a result of the Bush education policies. Some moderate Republicans, angry at the Bush administration exclusion of all but far Reich wingers, have even suggested that Dr. Paige was offered the Secretary of Education cabinet position to keep him silent during the close 2000 election.
Asked about his proposed degree plan, Dr. Paige indicated he would enroll as an "undecided" in an undetermined historically Black university. "I am still considering my options," Paige stated earlier today. "If I can find a university that will give me extra credits for my life experiences, allow me to enter without screening tests and not require me to actually attend classes, I think I'll pick that one," said Dr. Paige. He went on to state his major would likely be Black Studies with a minor in Ebonics.
In a related story, George W. Bush has nominated Margaret Spellings, a longtime Bush confidant from Texas as the new Secretary of Education. During his nomination speech, George stated, "Ms. Spelling has a very long history of supporting me even when I was obviously wrong." This seems to be the major qualification in common with all Bush cabinet level nominees. President Bush also concluded, "Margaret also looks gorgeous when she removes those geeky eyeglasses!"
Dr. Paige will likely buy a small Caribbean island once his federal and Texas state retirement benefits are calculated. In addition, he is eligible, without penalty, for all his Social Security benefits. After visiting with his accountant this week, Dr. Paige was asked about his immediate plans before starting university. "I hope to live large, very large!", he replied with a smile as he stepped into his government limousine.