Reports leaked out today that the US's top Internal Law Enforcement Bureau, the Homeland Security Agency "lost over $13.3M in Hi Tech tools in 2009.
Homeland Security Chief, Janet "Big Sis" Napalatano said she couldn't comment on the report saying, "I've just lost the keys to my office and can't get in to confirm that report, but it certainly must be false. Even the government can't be that stupid, wasteful, irresponsible and corrupt! Who's in charge of THAT?"
Ms Napalatano was hobbling on crutches as she was interviewed, a victim of her own hand when she broke her ankle with her tennis racquet as she tried to bend over to scoop a difficult drop shot at her mid week tennis lesson at a posh Washington Golf and Racquet Club.
Napalatano's Agency, charged with securing the safety of the nation's borders apparently isn't even capable of protecting it's own tax payer funded equipment.
According to a detailed audit the department lost over 1,000 computers, a claim while not denied was brushed off as being insignificant, since according to a spokesman, the computers contained NO INFORMATION.
Congressional watchdogs, dumb, but not that dumb, asked why the agency had 1000 computers if they weren't being used, for which the agency accused the the questioner of 'grandstanding, politicking, and tea bagging!"
Amongst other missing items were almost 250 night vision scopes, some of them being traced to Mexican Drug Cartels and recovered after recent shootouts with real cops.
The most interesting loss was the question of the whereabouts of a $116,349 International Harvester Special Combat Assault Vehicle, which was last checked out to an undercover double agent code named "The Burrito Bandit" in Armadillo, Texas, and never seen again. The FBI said the vehicle " maybe" involved in a series of bank heists which involved the blowing off of bank vault doors after a 'large vehicle' drove through the drive in teller window.
On hearing the news, yet another disgrace under one of his inept appointees, President Obama was said to have put VP Joe Biden in charge of a task force to get to the bottom of the problem, as the VP had recently complained his job was too easy since "I have nothing to do.!"
A government whistle blower said that as soon as Obama announced the Biden Task Force, 1800 more computers, 1m rounds of M-16 ammo, a howitzer, two armoured HumVees and a herd of trained border patrol ponies also disappeared, along with 1275 employees and their assigned vehicles who had never received a background check before given a gun, badge and unmarked car.
Press secretary Robert Gibbs said due to the outcry from the Government Accounting Office, (GAO), the President would address the nation , as soon as he found out who stole the Resolute desk from his office, and kidnapped Bo, the family dog.