WASHINGTON - During a special White House press conference before his resignation became final, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft last week announced record arrest figures of American troops and Iraq insurgents in Fallujah for instances of DUI (Depleted Uranium Intoxication).
"As everyone knows, DUI occurs only when toxic Uranium-238 is abused by being breathed into the lungs or applied to the skin," Ashcroft said. "Apparently, the soldiers and insurgents that have been arrested in Fallujah and throughout Iraq have been snorting it and tattooing themselves with the stuff like there was no tomorrow."
Pledging to "get to the bottom of this growing depleted uranium addiction," Ashcroft told reporters that plans were currently in the works to limit the use of ammunition cases being manufactured from depleted uranium, "even though we get the DU free of charge from Uranium cartels who don't want to fool with it."
Ashcroft added that ceasing all usage of depleted uranium ammunition shell casings would force American troops to "begin fighting with rocks and sticks," but he did promise that hemp resin would be added to future munitions processing and manufacturing as it was "a more abundant and nature-friendly product."
Speaking about homeland DU abuse, Ashcroft said, "You've got all these soldiers coming back from Iraq, hanging out en masse on poorly lit street corners, in abandoned ghetto buildings, and poking around nuclear waste dumps just trying to score one more hit of DU. We must nip this problem of veterans' depleted uranium addictions in the bud, and fully support them in breaking the DU habits they acquired while overseas."
An ex-Marine, speaking on condition of anonymity, told of his ongoing addiction to DU.
"It's such an intense high," he said. "First you feel all nauseous and light-headed, then your hair starts to fall out, then you get fatigued and have headaches, nosebleeds, oozing sores and -if you're really lucky-you'll eventually develop cancerous growths or your sperm will mutate into a caustic alkali."
"DUI is a totally rad experience," he added.
Special thanks to field correspondents John Honeyman and Nancy Garland for their contributions to this breaking story. For more information on the growing problem of DU intoxication, please visit http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/1152449.stm