Former Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a press release today declaring that winning gold medals at the 2010 Olympics is "not a good thing for America."
"Winning these medals in Canada is doing nothing but cheering up our people and making them smile," said Cheney. "We cannot afford to do this and still stay alert for the Boogeyman. You can see our very own citizens up there in a foreign land laughing, clapping, and having a good time.
"This IS NOT the time to have a good time. Also, our young people are there with people of God knows what beliefs, communists, socialists, perverts, vegetarians, and people with good health care. Not on my watch!
"Besides, Canada is the place that all those dead beats and cowards went to escape the draft back in the sixties. Not a place that we want our young folks to be and besides, there are millions of our citizens that are watching this on TV, smiling and happy. They probably, don't even know where their shot guns are and worse yet, are not scared for a brief moment. This is not MY kind of America."
A reporter interrupted,"But Mr. Cheney, didn't you get five deferments to avoid the draft back then?"
Cheney replied, "How long you been around young fella. REAL warriors don't go to war. REAL warriors send other people to war. REAL warriors have other priorities. Buy a history book!"
Liz Cheney, Mr. Cheney's daughter agreed and added her comment. "It's a good thing my father didn't go to that awful country. I wouldn't have been born if he had. My Mom said that she never again wanted to go through what it took to get pregnant. She said she did HER part for the war effort!"
Fox News and most of the conservative media agreed with Cheney. Glenn Beck said, "It's a communist conspiracy. Our young folks are being infected and misdirected. Get them out of there!" On the Shaun Hannity show, Sarah Palin said simply, "Nuke em!" and added, " I can see Canada from my front porch!"
In other breaking news, Goldman Sachs announced today that they are laying off seven United States Senators and fifteen Congressmen. The CEO of Sachs said in a statement, "This is not, in any way, an implied criticism of these patriotic legislators or their abilities. They have earned every dime we have paid them. This is a cost cutting measure only and the fact is, they are not needed any more. We are grateful for their service to us and to their country. To this end, we are giving each of them a golden parachute of $500,000 plus their normal use of the corporate jets, golf club memberships, and unlimited use of The DC escort services.