An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a local woman.
Lawyers for the alleged rapist charged their client was "the real victim of this assault," and warned that easy access to legal firearms was "[Making] committing a rape or other violent crime nearly impossible in many suburban areas."
"She shot me in the privates," bemoaned the wounded accused. "I was just trying to hold her down so I could have my way with her without her consent, and she just shoots me in the privates! How and I ever going to commit a rape again?"
In addition to a complete ban on private gun ownership, the accused lawyers demanded an investigation into hate crimes allegations against the shooter who, allegedly, uttered disparaging comments toward her attacker of a racially insensitive nature, and unfairly questioned his sexual orientation during the attempted assault. "Some guy's trying to rape her, and she attacks his sexual orientation? What more proof do you need that she's dangerous and insane," asked the lawyer.
According to police reports, the gun shot victim was reported by the shooter to police for allegedly following her home from work, attempting to block her access into her apartment, and exposing himself to her through her bathroom window over a two week period beginning last month. Police sources said they "were getting around" to investigating the charges however were delayed due to excessively high workload caused by "[An] unprecedented wave of broken tail lights, people parking near fire lanes, and the maintenance of three new speed traps on local roads."
"We just do not have the time to run out and follow up on every call made by someone who's worried that something bad might happen to them. If the department was to go out and try to protect people from crimes before they happened, that's all we'd do," defended a police department spokesman. "Call us after you are the victim of a crime, then we can give it the proper lip service it deserves. Anything else is pretty much just a waste of our time."
A prominent gun control advocate made additional charges against the shooter by claiming inside information that the firearm used in the shooting, "Was purchased just days before from a local gun shop after the mandatory three day waiting period." "This vigilante just decided on her own to take the law into her own hands all because some poor man was pounding on her door at three in the morning shouting, 'Let me in or I'm going to kill you.' Well, a few days later he did break in, and you see the terrible consequences. As is always the case in these situations, it is not the home owner who gets hurt, but, the intruder who wants nothing more than to commit a little random violence who is the victim of gun crime. You know, just because you don't want to get injured or killed does not give you the right to defend yourself."
A close associate of the injured accused rapist warned that the attack on his friend was far from an isolated incident, "There are just too many guns on the street. This kind of thing happens day in and day out. I mean, I go through all the trouble of breaking into a house; I'm tense, I'm nervous, of course I'm going to want to attack the people inside like some kind of animal. What else do you expect me to do? I used to love home invasions... Now, I have to worry about getting shot every time I climb through a kitchen window naked. If this keeps up, there won't be any more opportunities for violent psychopaths like myself to take my rage out on the innocent around me. They what will we do?"