A letter from your president,
"This nation has been divided at its core. The people have become more polarized. And now together, we the government have no choice but to bring strength and resolve to this issue. Over the past few years, I have noticed a dramatic decrease in satisfaction with our bipartisan efforts. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. That is why I'm taking bipartisan relations to a whole new level- the second level of the United States Senate building.
According to our Bipartisan Relation Satisfaction Polls, I have detected an increase in demand for our bipartisan relation efforts. To counteract this vertical shift in demand, I have vertically shifted our Bipartisan Relations Department from the first floor of the Senate to the second floor. The second floor is less cluttered and offers a view far superior to the floor directly lower. I'm having a pool table put up there to bolster team-building and morale as a nonpartisan initiative.
With this new agenda ahead of us, I now realize that dealing with bipartisan bickering is our top priority. Coincidentally, "Top Priority" was the title of my powerpoint presentation I had the janitorial staff prepare for me, where I focused my lecture to the Senate on the physical movement of the down-trodden department up to the top floor.
This move is for the future of our great country. We are going to need some time for adjustments to occur, so please bear with us. Just like a baby learns how to walk, we will learn how to effectively deal with our fellow senators and people-dwellers alike. Day by day we are building bridges to a greater and brighter America. Piece by piece we are piecing together a Nationwide, integrated policymaking system. Step by step we are carrying the office furniture and filing cabinets up the stairway to the second floor where we will be better equipped in dealing with strained bipartisan relations.
This is just one in a series of moves for us. In light of our elevated Bipartisan Relations Department, we are definitely going to cut our Interior Department in half, if not drop it altogether. It will either be truncated from four rooms to two or possibly dropped back to the bottom floor. Thank you for your understanding in our bold new venture. Next year, we're going through the roof!"