Corporate Cronies and Billionaires Celebrate Four More Years
Washington, DC: November 11, 2004
Trumpeting his massive, unquestionable, insurmountable 1.9% voter mandate, President George W. Bush vowed to replace the "Long-haired liberals, atheists and other wimps" in his original cabinet with loyal, right-thinking, God fearing Republicans.
The first casualty of the president's pansy purge was Attorney General John Ashcroft, who was widely seen as being too lenient on terrorists, murderers, environmentalists, Democrats, war protestors, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and women who are, or might ever become, pregnant. Although Ashcroft is widely credited in recent years for shredding the ultra-leftist obsolete Constitution and using it as toilet paper, he has received less than stellar reviews for not having executed, or even prosecuted, a single terrorist in his more than three years in office.
Several southern Republican senators, speaking on condition of anonymity, were also disappointed that Ashcroft didn't mandate the death penalty for known enemies of the American state, including Michael Moore, Tim Robbins, all homosexuals (except, or course, Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter), and those living in lefty, pinko states such as New York and California. "Yeah, John just wouldn't give those sodomites and rug munchers up there in New Queer City the needle. So the president just had to get rid of him," remarked one Republican lawmaker.
In announcing his resignation, the outgoing attorney general did acknowledge a new provision of the soon to be enacted Patriot Act II. The law, designed to protect all Americans against the sinister forces of terrorism running rampant in our streets, will require all homosexuals to wear a large pink triangle on their clothes. Women's fashions will also be affected by a provision inserted into the law by a newly elected Colorado congressman. The provision will require those who have ever practiced birth control (which has been declared illegal in the U.S. Homeland) to display a large scarlet letter "A" on their clothes at all times.
"Yeah…all those whores and fornicators will get what they've got coming to them now!" fumed Senator Zell Miller of Georgia. "Decent people will be able to protect their children from the corruption of those ass bandits and freaks."
The newly appointed attorney general, former White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales, is widely viewed within Republican Party circles as an ideal choice to heal the deep fissures currently facing the nation.
The former Texas judge, widely viewed as a sterling example of GOP moderation, is credited with drafting the memo that provided the legal basis for torturing terrorism suspects that led to the Abu Ghraib scandal and another memo that advocated ignoring the Geneva Convention.
The war on terror, Gonzales wrote, "Renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitations on the questioning of enemy prisoners and renders quaint some of its provisions." Earlier, in Texas, he also provided then-governor Bush with flimsy, one-sided, single page legal summaries of upcoming executions, so that Bush could claim to have studied the cases in question.
"Yeah, Al's a great guy and a great jurist," remarked the president. "Only a true legal giant would have the cajones to single-handedly overturn a half-century of legal precedent. He's pretty smart for a little Hispanic guy."