Washington, DC - Sources close to the White House revealed today that Attorney General John Ashcroft turned in his resignation a mid rumors of what some are calling, "ungentlemanly-like conduct," by Mr. Ashcroft.
Apparently this conduct included midnight panty raids on female members of Congress, all night keggers and an incident where a group of "intoxicated older men," allegedly T.P.'d (toilet papered) the Lincoln bedroom.
Security guards hired to monitor the White House madcap night time mischief, also filed reports of the "misappropriation of banquet appetizers," related to an apparent food fight in the White House lunchroom. "The Chefs were pissed," one guard told us.
" They were in the kitchen all day preparing for a banquet to honor visiting dignitaries to be held the following evening. When they came back to work in the morning of the scheduled event, the place was trashed, appetizers thrown all over the place. We had to call the Medics, when one chef became so hysterical, he had a nervous collapse."
" When we interviewed all the probable suspects, they denied any involvement in the episode, but it was noted that several of them still had "carrot curls" clinging to their clothing. We thought that was the end of it, but then housekeeping or environmental services (as they prefer to be called), asked us to investigate "a situation in the lavatory."
When we arrived on the scene, we found small yellow puddles at the far end of the lavatory, up near the wall. There were empty beer cups all over the area, none of which, made it into the wastebasket. The yellow puddles appeared to be urine. It seems as though someone was having a little "piss" contest. "We are not sure if they were going for accuracy or distance, but our money is on distance, by the looks of it."
The First Lady, Laura Bush, is said to be outraged by this behavior and wants them all "gone". She is the mother of two daughters. She does not want them exposed to this immature, boyish behavior.
Whether or not President Bush participated in the "bathroom olympics" or the other activities is unclear. But there are rumors to alot of yelling, "between a man and a woman in an upstairs bedroom that night."