In an astonishing act of good taste, a Susan Boyle fanatic has been strangled by his own red scarf.
Californian Dr. Bobbino de Ponytail, 14, said: "I couldn't believe it. I was in the middle of banning yet another innocent member of my alleged fansite, when I suddenly couldn't breathe. It took me over an hour to wrestle myself free."
The red scarf has since been taken away and shot.
Other SuBo fanatics have been showing their support. A New York fanatic said: "We are, of course, praying for him. And we can pray for you too for a small donation! Just call us on 5-555-HAP-CLAP."
A Denver woman said: "I was shocked to hear this. How could we have survived without our leader? I must dash; I have Susan coming to my house later for tea."
Meanwhile, genuine Susan Boyle fans have expressed gratitude to the red scarf. "It should have finished him off for good!" said some woman or other.