Written by Willy LePunque
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Topics: abortion

Sunday, 7 November 2004

November 8, 2004-AssPress.
In an unexpected and previously unannounced press conference at the White House today, President Bush announced a change in his stance on one of the hottest issues of his administration: Abortion. To a packed house of reporters from all over Washington and beyond, Bush stated:
"I think it is time to intelligently embrace the abortion issue, and after mullin' this over for many years I have come to the decision that abortions would be beneficial in certain circumstances, and for certain people. I am therefore re-writin' my idears on abortions, because I feel that abortions for African Americans, and certain other minorities, would benefit society as a whole..."
Amid shouted questions and general hooplah following this announcement bush raised both hands in what can only be called a double Sig Heil, and continued:
"This has been a long time comin', I know, but I believe this compromise will serve the purpose of lettin' the good folks of America and the World know that the Bush administration is responsive to their needs, and to the will of the people. We will provide financial aid to all qualifying parties so that these abortions can take place with the utmost safety and speed."
Ignoring more shouted questions from the gallery the president, waving his hand idly, then left the conference room where a bewildered and some might even say shocked audience scribbled furiously, dialed cell phones, all the while muttering unintelligibly.
One buxom blonde bush supporter was heard to quip: "Now that all the profits from the drug war have dried up, he HAD to do something..." until someone shushed her loudly.
Jason Splintbrane, of the Washington Post reported that the President appeared to be severly preoccupied during this announcement, almost to the point of distraction, and Splintbranes observation was noted by others at the momentous meeting, though not in the same light.
Justin Tyme, from the Alternative Media paper the Hoover-Brown Tattler wrote in his column that he thought the President was under the influence of pharmaceutical drugs during his abortion announcement, but further noted: "I guess thats an improvement over booze and coke, which were always dubyas drugs of choice when partying with the Bin Laden boy and other rich swingers from his fathers circle of friends..."

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