Osage Beach, Bolivia - Tiger Woods appeared today before the press and read a prepared statement, surrounded by dozen's of women supporters, including his own mother, Queen Elizabeth, the Queen of Thailand, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney's wife (known as Dick to friends), Babe the Pig, Wilber the pig, Arnold the pig (from Green Acres), Barbara Streisand, Rod Blagoyovich (in drag), Saddam Hussein's wife and daughters, Latoya Jackson, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, Diane Keaton, and many, many more.
Tiger's statement was as follows:
"I am sorry, so sorry, please except my apology. That I was such a fool I didn't know love could be so cruel oh, oh, oh, oh Uh-oh,oh, yes you tell me mistakes are part of being young but that don't right the wrong that's been done. I'm sorry I'm sorry,so sorry, but love is blind and I was to blind to see oh, yes. You tell me mistakes are part of being young but that don't right the wrong that's been done."
Afterwards a tearful Queen Elizabeth hugged Tiger and said, "Tiger, that was so beautiful and poetic, it was almost...like a song."
When informed that it was a song the Queen Mother replied, "Well that explains it."
Then there was a line of people to hug Tiger, but a scuffle broke out when Lady Gaga apparently tried to grab Tiger's butt and Madonna stepped in and decked her with a nifty right hook.
When will Tiger return to golf? That is a good question, with this entourage in tow golf may never be the same.