States all throughout the Mid-Western heartland and Southern American are unified by one issue - gay marriage.
American's believe that gay marriage would be destructive to their society and that furthermore, it could be fatal. And the small town of Rickshaw in rural Arkansas knows just why.
"We had arrested the concept of gay marriage," says Tertiary O'Brien - Rickshaw County Sheriff in his steely southern twang, "and, we were holding it in one of our cells because it couldn't make bail."
Regrettably for the Sheriff's department, however, the concept proved to be quite tricky and it escaped from them on June 11, 2002.
"Since then we've been trying to keep track of it and we think we've pinned it down to a location - Iraq."
"If you look on a map you can see how it snaked it's way through the Mid-West devastating the rural economy and down to the Mississippi River. From there it seems to have swam down to the Gulf of Texas where it depleted all the oxygen in the ocean water and convinced a whole bunch of sharks to attack us hetero-folks."
"After that, it just swam on over to Iraq, where, on my last count it had killed over 98,000 people. The concept of gay marriage is deadly," he adds "if you do see it, do not approach it - it's a killer."
American officials have been attempting to pin the concept down since the early Eighties, when it is believed the concept was imported here in a crate of Orangina. No word has yet come from the White House about what the next course of action will be on the matter. Although, they are virulently denying that it was this issue that swung the election in their favor.
"American's did not vote for their president because he was against gay marriage," spoke Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "they voted for him because John Kerry was an educated and intelligent man who spoke to them as if they were his peers."