Washington, D.C. - The Department of Agriculture has issued a new warning concerning the emerging threat of Identity frogs, small amphibians with the ability to mimic the voices of those they encounter.
The arboreal frogs typically cling to tree branches and are also found under the eves of building and even the undercarriages of cars. So far the frogs are most prevalent on the east coast but their range is quickly expanding to the Midwest and beyond.
When an Identity Frog encounters a person or vice-a-verse the frog quickly registers the tone and pitch of the person's voice and starts repeating what that person says. Further-more the frog can "remember" the voices it hears and repeat them days and even months afterward.
"It's quite maddening,really,", said Horace Mann of New Haven, Connecticut, who was ambushed by an Identity Frog which had overheard his wife while she was gardening, and then assaulted the man while he was washing his car with plaintive calls of "My!My!".I was absolutely certain that it was my wife taunting me until I remembered that she had gone shopping and wouldn't be back for hours."
Mr. Mann eventually traced the voice to a small frog clinging to the underside of a leaf on a nearby mulberry bush but not before accusing his wife of spying on him. Mr. Mann is not alone. 911 operators are being inundated by frantic calls as friends and neighbors duke it out over imagined insults.
And just when you thought things couldn't get any worse comes word from the scientific community that not only are Identity Frogs loud and annoying, but they also breed freely and produce massive quantity of offspring. The offspring in turn are able to mimic the voices of their parents from the moment they change from tadpoles to adult frogs.
"You don't know horror," says Mr. Mann "until you've lived through a night of a chorus of frogs singing Barry White songs.". One can only imagine.