In a stunning admission, just (barely) re-elected President George W. Bush admits through CBS News to a surgical procedure that implanted the Alzheimer's gene prior to the Presidential Debates.
Bush was admitted to Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, CA, on June 4th under an assumed name, I.B. Goodboy, and was immediately injected with a combination of donor Ronald Reagan's brain stem cells and genes from Mr. Reagan's DNA. This procedure is believed to produce symptoms of Alzheimer's disease within 24-48 hours AND assure an additional 10% of the mentally challenged vote.
By dinner that evening Mr. Bush was babbling incoherently about a new world order and expanded middle-east military crusades. He also had developed a strange craving for jellybeans that had the Secret Service searching the yellow pages to fulfill. By the following morning, Mr. Bush's doctors had declared Mr. Bush ready to return to the campaign trail.
Before leaving Los Angeles, Mr. Bush insisted on visiting the zoo where he spent several hours talking to a chimpanzee named Bonzo and eating bananas.
The Kerry team immediately issued a rebuke to the Bush action calling the procedure unfair and pandering to Reagan supporters. Celebrity activist, Tim Robbins, speaking on behalf of Actors Against Actors (AAA) said the medical procedure "infringed on the method acting so common in Hollywood". In addition, Mr. Robbins went on to say "Mr. Bush has enough natural stupidity and incompetence that a medical enhancement is an unfair advantage in the political arena. President Reagan was a natural politician; dishonest, mean spirited and absolutely ruthless without appearing so outwardly."
Bush stated during a news conferance before leaving the hospital, "This was a deeply personal decision and only after consultation with my handlers did I decide to proceed. Karl Rove tells me my approval rating should top 40% with those folks that miss Ronnie Reagan's reactionary policies and smiling vacant stare. Personally I haven't felt this good since I took LSD in 1968!
Speaking on his past drug use, the "new" Alzheimered (or Alz-Hammered as he prefers!) Bush says he wants to come clean about his drinking and cocaine addiction during the 60', 70's and early 80's. He says he "wants" to come clean but he remembers so very little of those times. He does remember the rush of flying the F-102 aircraft while blasted on cocaine, but doesn't want his alcoholic daughters to get the wrong impression of "Dad".
Mr. Bush related that in a recent conversation with Jesus Christ, he was told nuclear weapons were the sole domain of America and that he should not hesitate to use them to insure world peace. "War is not a bad thing as long as your family is not in danger," Mr Bush said. "Daddy told me that while I was in Alabama during the Vietnam war"
Mr. Bush is returning to Washington today to begin reading statements so ridiculous and outrageous that only by claiming Alzheimer's can he ever be forgiven.