In his continuing efforts to control the quality of air Americans breathe, and the music and sports they're addicted to, President Obama reiterated his campaign promise to 'kill off the addiction to coal' in the US.
Reinforcing his promise, Obama had his international trade Czar, Snoop Dog, notify the UK that no visa's would be forthcoming for either of the Coals in question.
Obama spoke impromptu from his Presidential library with his feet up on the priceless Resolute Desk, and surrounded by over 300 black and white 20x24 photos of himself, changed daily by staff.
The desk was carved from the remnants of the HMS Resolute and presented to America in 1880 by the Queen, and most presidents have used it ever since with reverence, until now.
Barry spoke without benefit of teleprompters in a rare candid moment.
"According to my kids, the Coals are a big deal in the UK. I understand that they are both responsible for over 20% of GNP over there and a lot of people depend on them to earn obscene amounts of money. OK, now, umm, ahh, they may be ah, big in Newcastle, but they ain't , ahh, umm, shit to me from where I sit."
"If a bunch of ahh, ahh, F*****g retards want to worship these two in England that's fine...but they're not going to pollute our air or web sites over here!"
Barry continued to say that any attempt to have either Ashley Coal, or the white hot burning Coal, Cheryl, circumvent the ban by entering the country illegally either through Mexico or Canada would be met with the stiffest of penalties.
"We would prosecute them like the polluters they are," he said, " we'd probably detain them in GITMO and try them there, as the Federal Courts are backlogged right now with a bunch of individual terrorists with no real agenda and no link to any international conspiracy."
According to a stringer from Manchester who managed to interview Cheryl after the Presidential announcement, the singer/star/lip synching /Soccer Shagger said she was so upset she planned to divorce her husband, Ashley.
She refused to discuss rumours of naked pictures, Tiger Woods' short game, the refusal of the Bonkettes to appear on stage with her, or her restraining order against UK Spoofer/Stalker Colonel Juan Valdez.
Snoop Dog said he was sure the President's edict would put an end to the Coal Mania, but if not, he was sure he could arrange for "another Hit' for the Diva 'by a few of the Brothers!"