WASHINGTON-In a landmark decision, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (*Retire Aged People Early*). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (*/Special Help After Forced Termination/*).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (*/System Covering Retired-Early Workers/*).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (*Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse*) or HERPES (*Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance*).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (*Special High Intensity Training*) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Taxpayers who feel that they do not receive enough SHIT, are advised to bring this to the attention of their Congressman, who has been trained to give them all the SHIT they can handle.
The principle movers behind this new legislation is the Congressional Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) However, due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.