In a rare glimpse into the mind of the current and possibly future President of the United States, George W. Bush's personal computer was hacked into and some of the most revealing contents were leaked to the press today. President Bush, apparently planning for both contingencies, had documents stored on his PC called "What I Say When I Win" and "What I Say If All My Dirty Tricks Fail". Both speeches were very short and very informative, and were clearly still in the first draft stage.
Bush's victory speech reads, "My fell low Americans…we have prevailated against the evil John Kerry, so now he can go back to Massuhchewsets and preeform gay marriges for the terrists, at least until I make it ill leegal for them buffuckers to breeth. Now I can get down to the seerius bizness of cuttin taxes, and I'm gonna start by getting rida the top too tax brakits so the bizness oaners can free themselves from the fine ann chill burdin that keeps them from hirin all the pore peeple, that is the wunz who ain't too lazy to wurk. We attack Iran in the mornin, Godbless and Yeeeehawww."
Bush's concession speech reads, "Well, I can't beeleev Karl Rove, Diebold, my brother and my Supreem Cort butties all faled me, but heer I em, cavin in to the commie Democrats. But my frendz, all is not losed. As y'all no, I own Irack and I can doo whatever I want with it. So, I'm declairinatin myself President of Irack eefecktive rite away and ree zine in the Prezidentzy eefecktive imeediutly. I've talked to the noo President of the U.S., Dick Cheney, and weev agread that hees gonna cell me the so called ‘red states' for a doller eech. So, now all yoo Republican States are imeediutly part of the new Yoonited States of Irack, of which I am yore new President for life. My furst action as President of the Yoonited States of Irack will be to attack Iran tomorrow morning, Godbless and Yeeehawww."
A Rueters/USA Today poll taken a couple hours after the groundbreaking revelations were leaked to the press reveals that the vote is still split right down the middle, and that George Bush would retain the support of half of the United States under many imagined scenarios. In these polls, everyone who said they were planning to vote for Bush was asked the following questions, and in every case, nearly 100% of respondents to these questions said they would still vote for Bush even if he…
"…ate a live baby on TV."
"…admitted he had no idea what the hell he's doing."
"…raped a Doberman Pinscher."
"…admitted he masturbates to the rhythm of the Star Spangled Banner."
"…went on live TV to say he would have moved to Canada if his daddy hadn't gotten him into the National Guard."
"…punched Laura really hard in the gut."
The only scenario which would cost Bush any support comes from the old adage, "…the only way he can lose is if he's caught with a dead girl or a live boy," and apparently even the dead girl wouldn't affect his numbers very much. Here's hoping the live boy I've sent to his house does the trick.