MOMBASA, Kenya - The coach of the Kenyan Winter Olympics team, Moy Kusikatta, told a reporter for The Mombasa Daily Vine that contrary to what has been written in all of the world's major newspapers, the reason why the Kenyan team did not go to Vancouver to compete is not due to politics.
Kusikatta, who spoke with the knowledge that he will probably be fired, said that he had to set the record straight.
He divulged that the real reason why Kenya is not being represented in The XXI Vancouver Winter Olympics for 2010 is due to the fact that out of the 17 Kenyan Olympic team members, eight have injuries which they sustained from lion bites.
Kusikatta said that three of the ice hockey team members were bitten two weeks ago as they were getting into their car after a practice session.
One of the players Kukumuna Daruru said that the parking lot was very dark and that all of a sudden they heard a roar and before the three could get into the Kia Spectra the lion had jumped them.
Kukumuna said that the only thing that saved them was that he was able to hit the lion in his nostrils with his hockey stick.
African game wardens will tell you that if you hit a charging lion on his nostrils it will confuse him and he will run off wondering what the hell just happened to his nose.
Another injured Kenyan player is Alpine skier Tatafuchee Boombagassa. He was in line at a McDonald's drive thru when a lion approached him from behind. Boombagassa said that before he could roll up the window the lion had sunk most of his teeth into his left arm.
Boombagassa said that luckily he is right handed and he was able to eat his Big Mac and fries as he drove himself to the hospital.
And the lone female Kenyan athlete Sankafuma Karen Pishpumambo, who is a ski jumper, was out walking her pet wildebeest when she was suddenly jumped by a lion from out of nowhere. Pishpumambo was able to pick up her pet wildebeest and take off running towards a telephone booth.
She managed to escape with only a minor lion bite, but in the process of running faster than a mother effer she had managed to twist her left ankle.
The other three injuries were results of pretty much normal everyday lion bites.
In other news. Ann Coulter has stated that the rumors of her going in to have a tummy tuck are totally absurd. Coulter said that as it is she is so skinny that she can pretty much see the outline of whatever it is she has just eaten.