Boca Raton, FL - In the worst case scenario of worst case scenarios voting machines across the country have returned preliminary results declaring that the next President of the United States will be Rev. Al Sharpton.
Sharpton, who briefly ran for the Democratic Party Nomination earlier in 2004 was shocked by the news, but reportedly "thrilled" at the prospect of running a country. "They told me that you couldn't run on a platform of ‘Chicken and Biscuits for Everybody', boy I showed them," said the Reverend via cell phone. "It just goes to show, everybody likes a big piece of chicken."
The news that the results were only temporary did nothing to deter Sharpton's enthusiasm. Already, both incumbent George W. Bush, and Democratic Nominee John Kerry were filing papers with the Supreme Court that challenged the legitimacy of the results. Court papers obtained for this report cited numerous reasons for the preliminary outcome to be thrown out, among them that (1) "the Reverend Sharpton is not actually even on the ballot", (2) "evidence of voter fraud was found at the many polling booths, namely that several machines were installed upside down", and (3) "the millions disenfranchised white people's faith in partisan politics will be lost for ever".
The situation is made more chaotic by the recent health problems of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. If and when these challenges go to trial, all nine Supreme Court Justices must preside. A panel of eight Justices could very well end up divided, so an odd number is required. Matters were complicated by the announcement of Justice Clarence Thomas who is already on the record saying that "there ain't no way ya'll are making me sit this one out."
While the legal wranglers sort out the details Al Sharpton, or "Reverend 44" as he is asking to be called now, continued to comment on the situation via cell phone. "Didn't ya'll learn from ‘The Terminator'? These electronic voting booths is too complicated. Now, if they looked more like slot machines, and instead of George Bush you got to pick out the double cherry or something, now that would be easier." Sharpton predicted, "Technology is going to be the death of white people. Ha Ha!"
While the nation sat in stunned silence, representatives from the Sharpton camp began to plan for the future. The Reverend was late to a hastily thrown together victory press conference because "he was getting his hair did", but he did send on a message of hope through his press secretary and second cousin Willy. "Keep hope alive America", the statement read. "The chicken is in the mail!"