OAKLAND - Passenger X-103 aka Kevin Smith is angry, upset, fit to be tied, and so pissed off that he could eat a horse literally.
Smith who works as a food taster for The Fallopian Food Company of Sausalito, California said that he purchased his ticket, went through the X-ray machine, boarded the plane, put his carry-on luggage away and sat down in his seat.
He then ordered a triple meat cheeseburger with a family order of fries and that is when he said that the attendant first made a remark about his weight.
Smith said that Lauri Burlingwater the flight attendant aboard an airline we'll refer to as Trans Atlantic Trans Arctic (TATA) asked him how much he weighed. Smith told her that it was none of her friggin business and he asked her how friggin much she weighed.
Ms. Burlingwater replied that she weighed 124, and again asked him how much he weighed. He told her that he was sorry but that he had forgotten to pack his bathroom scale when he left his house.
The attendant left and returned a few minutes later with the co-pilot Dante Effingvox. He asked Mr. Smith if he was okay. Smith said that he was fine except for the harassing questions that he was receiving from the flight attendant.
The co-pilot smiled and asked Smith how much he weighed. Smith replied, "Bite me." And the co-pilot said, "Ah huh, I can see that you definitely revolve around food, eating, and basically stuffing yourself like it's your last meal."
Smith said that he wanted to file a complaint. Effingvox said that he could help him with that and if he would just follow him off the plane they could walk over to the ticket counter and fill out a complaint form.
Smith shook his head and stated that he may not be the brightest pair of boxer shorts in the drawer but he wasn't stupid enough to get off the plane.
The co-pilot left and shortly returned with the pilot. Captain Cashley "Jet" Flipdock made Smith aware that the flight attendant and the co-pilot had both informed him of a rather obese passenger who had been asked to get off the plane.
Captain Flipdock told Smith that apparently the nice approach had not worked worth a tinker's damn. So he was now going to use the airline's backup approach.
The Captain reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a Glock 9 handgun. He bent down and whispered into Mr. Smith's ear that if he did not get off the plane and get off now, he was going to shoot his big fat humongous ass in front of all of the passengers.
"You would not shoot an unarmed man." Smith replied.
"Hey Brad (Pitt) let me inform your overweight ass that it will not be the first time or the last. So move your butt chubby."
"Nope. It ain't happening."
"Look fats, let me put it to you this way. A while ago, before I came over here, I was actually trying to take off but because of your tremendous weight the "wait! wait! wait! warning light came on.
It then showed a message in the status window that said that the plane was overweight and we wouldn't be able to leave the airport because we would not be able to take off due to the tremendous weight.
The captain told Smith that it was not a matter of him being picked on as it was a matter of the plane just not physically being able to lift off because of the Smith being ridiculously overweight.
Just then the flight attendant returned with a Styrofoam tortilla holder. She said that she had asked the rest of the passengers to donate some money so that Mr. Smith would agree to get off of the plane. Burlingwater said that she had managed to collect a total of $983.15.
She handed the money to Smith who took it and stuffed it into his pants pocket. He then grabbed his luggage and got off the plane. The other passengers started cheering and hollering out "Ke-vin! Ke-vin! Ke-vin!"
SIDENOTE: That was the third time that Smith had successfully pulled off that little stunt. Last week he made $819 in Atlanta, and then he made $742 in Houston.