Written by amann
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Topics: Florida, Polls

Thursday, 28 October 2004

image for Latest Polls: Election Hinges on Single Undecided Voter
Myrtle Moonz. She can't decide.

After weeks of differing and fluctuating back and forth, the state-by-state polls for the presidential race now agree that the race will once again come down to Florida, and that the Sunshine State itself comes down to one undecided voter. 68-year old Myrtle Moonz, of Clearwater, FL is the last holdout, and the election apparently hinges on her decision. "I just have a hard time making up my mind," said Ms. Moonz, who hasn't made a decision since choosing her kitchen wallpaper in 1994.

Both campaigns have set up shop in Clearwater. The Bush campaign immediately confiscated all Kerry-Edwards signs and banners in the city, and has placed all Democratic registrants and three donkeys under arrest. The President was the first to visit Ms. Moonz yesterday, delivering his standard stump speech in her backyard, with Ms. Moonz, her sister Moody, and her rabid bulldog Musty in attendance. Later in the afternoon, John Kerry started a town hall meeting on her front porch, but then moved inside to her bedroom ("I can't decide where is best," Ms. Moonz said). The Senator brought along some Preparation-H for Ms. Moonz' hemorrhoids, and the Bush campaign immediately fired out emails to reporters accusing Kerry of favoring government-sponsored health care.

Continuing their efforts today to persuade the reticent woman, both campaigns presented a day of entertainment. The Republicans performed a recreation of Ms. Moonz' favorite TV show, The Honeymooners, with Karl Rove playing Ralph, Mr. Bush appearing as Ed Norton, Ann Coulter as Alice, and Karen Hughes as Trixie. Later, Senator Kerry brought along some his musical friends from the Vote for Change tour, and Ms. Moonz was treated to some of her favorite music, with Bruce Springsteen playing the hits of Liberace, REM doing a stirring rendition of "It's Not Unusual" ("I love Tom Jones," Ms. Moonz said, but then added, "but I like Englebert Humperdink too; and Wayne Newton. I can't decide.") and Death Cab for Cutie doing a medley of her favorite patriotic hymns. The Bush campaign immediately sent an email to reporters accusing Kerry of bad musical taste, flip-flopping on his selection of suits, picking his nose last April, and of being the cause of any current unrest anywhere on the planet.

Both campaigns offered to wine and dine her, but she couldn't decide what to eat, nor whether she preferred red or white wine.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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