WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Department of Secret, Covert, and Clandestine Operations has just released information that noted Central Intelligence Agency operative known as Captain Morse has successfully managed to infiltrate the headquarters of one of the most notorious drug cartels in all of Mexico, Los Vatos de Vera Cruz.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Los Vatos de Vera Cruz translated means, 'The Dudes of Vera Cruz.]
Captain Morse, who resides in North Carolina, is no stranger to such military operations. He is credited with helping to capture Panama's Manuel Noriega back in 1989. Morse said that he was able to accomplish this feat by pretending to be Noriega's long lost multi-millionaire cousin, Paquito De Los Pajaritos.
Morse also was highly instrumental in helping to plan and to capture Iraq's Saddam Hussein. It was actually Captain Morse who slithered down into the the snake hole that was the home away-from-home of the madman Saddam.
In fact, Military Operations Illustrated Magazine stated that the first words out of Saddam Hussein's mouth when he was captured were, "I knew it. I knew it. I knew that if I was ever captured it would be by my number one American nemesis Captain Morse, alias El King de Dixieland."
Captain Morse who is a very low-key individual has received National Awards of Merit from several countries including England, Australia, New Zealand, Iceland, Zimbabwe, and Mexico.
In fact just last week, while supposedly on a Caribbean cruise with his lovely wife Penny Peaches, of the highly respected family, the Georgia Peaches, Captain Morse was instrumental in leading a group of eight highly-trained special forces soldiers known as The Burgundy Berets into the dangerous Las Chingaderas Mountains of Eastern Mexico.
Captain Morse and his group, code named The Triple A's for The Amazingly Amazing Americanos, traveled into Mexico totally undetected in their specially designed stealth helicopter nicknamed The Amazing Chupacabra.
Morse personally piloted the helicopter with the eight troops and landed in the remote Vera Cruz village of San Sopapillas. From there he and his men traveled by foot and by burro to the village of San Pico De Gallo, which lies at the foot of Mt. Hijo Della, which is the highest peak in the Republic of Mexico.
The peak is named after the son of Della De Las Empinadas (sic) Pablito, who is credited with convincing the Matadors Union of Mexico to require their members to wear horn-proof athletic cups. He did this because of the tremendous increase in pecker injuries that were occurring on Sundays.
After only 48 hours of arriving in Mexico, The Captain Morse-led Burgundy Berets were able to capture the leader of the number two ranked Mexican drug cartel Los Vatos of Vera Cruz, Antonio "El Cabezon" Chavez, who is reportedly worth in the neighborhood of $13 billion.
"El Cabezon" so named because of his unusually large head when captured offered to pay Captain Morse one billion pesos, or roughly about $76.7 million in American money if he would allow him to go free.
Captain Morse immediately told him that he would not and could not be bribed, bought, or borrowed.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I'm not exactly sure what Captain Morse meant by 'borrowed' so I asked Abel and he informed me that he too was somewhat confused about that as well. He said that he meant to ask the captain about that also but it completely skipped his mind.]
Captain Morse instructed his men to place the drug cartellers into the Amazing Chupacabra. The Burgundy Berets loaded Antonio "El Cabezon" Chavez, along with his number two, three, four, and five men Enrique "El Orejon" De La Tamalada, Gustavo "El Pendejo" Alphabetico, Jorge "El Chistoso" Chipichipi, and Donnie "El Mamon" Davis.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I was curious so I went into the Mexican Internet site www.nicknamesofmexicanguys.ole and checked out the nicknames of "El Cabezon's" lieutenants. "El Orejon" means 'one with big ears.' "El Pendejo" means 'stupid one.' "El Chistoso" means 'the funny one.' And "El Mamon" actually has two meanings, one is 'the baby pacifier' and the other meaning is 'the sucker.']
After the cartel members had all been handcuffed and loaded onto the helicopter one of the Burgundy Berets asked Captain Morse if he could speak to him in private for a few moments.
The soldier who goes by the code name of Chattanooga Chet told Captain Morse that the fellas had all taken a vote and it came out 8 to 0 to split the $13 billion amongst themselves, including of course their highly respected, esteemed, and sensible leader.
Chattanooga Chet said that it would come out to $1.4 billion each. Captain Morse instantly said that they were not going to be splitting the money because he had already promised President Obama that he was going to take any confiscated drug money and donate it to The Presidential Stimulus Package Fund.
"What!!!" CC shouted.
"You heard me soldier!" The captain replied.
"Well with all due respect Captain sir. We are in a democracy and as best as I can figure, if my math is accurate, the vote is 8 to 1 in favor of keeping the money for ourselves.
"Really?" Captain Morse asked.
"Yes sir. That be a really pretty good deducement."
Captain Morse raised his eyebrows and took a sip from his bottle of El Matador 180 Proof Tequila. He kicked the dirt a little bit, put his hands on his hips, and just grinned.
He then spoke. "Well CC, let me make two points here. One we are not in a democracy. We are in the hot-as-the-inside-of-a-volcano country known as Mexico. We ain't in the good old USA, home of the world champion New Orleans Saints. So that democracy crap goes right out the hacienda window.
And two. I am the leader of this group -
CC interrupted the captain and reminded him that both points were well taken but the vote was still 8 to 1 in favor of keeping and dividing the $13 billion.
Captain Morse then informed CC that apparently he had not read his Official Burgundy Berets Instruction Manual very well. The captain told him to take it out. CC did.
The captain told him to turn to page 193, paragraph 4, line 7, and read what it says out loud.
CC found the page and began reading. "Let it be understood without any doubt whatsoever that no matter what the situation may be, including any ideas of taking any monetary confiscations attained through any military operations, whether they be national, international, or whatever, the bottom line decision will be that the leader of the operation will have one vote more than the total number of his soldiers combined i.e. If the operation is made up of lets say eight soldiers, then the leader gets a total of eight votes plus one vote or a grand total of nine votes. REVISED: 11/11/09."
Captain Morse smiled and told CC to get his ex-Burgundy Berets butt in the chopper. CC was heard to say as he got into the chopper, "Well, shit there goes that Lamborghini I've always wanted."
Captain Morse and his lovely wife Penny, as well as their dog Bear, reside on a beautiful beach home, constructed entirely out of sand dollars, named Casa Chili Con Carne in Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.