Bush Immediately Declares Victory...and Martial Law!
Dateline: Washington, DC; November 2, 2004
John F. Kerry was elected president today in both a popular and electoral landslide, gathering nearly 60 million votes. The Democratic Party also regained control of the Senate and nearly captured the House as well. In speaking to throngs of well wishers gathered on Boston Common, the president-elect remarked, "Today signals that a new day has dawned in America. A new day where hope and peace has vanquished fear and war!"
Meanwhile, in Washington, President Bush responded to the Democratic tidal wave by immediately declaring victory…as well as martial law and a curfew…and ordering National Guard troops into the streets of America's cities.
"My advisors tell me that I've been re-elected. It was hard work, but I've defeated my opponent." With a crooked grin, the president then flashed a thumbs up sign before stating, "Mission Accomplished." Through Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, he also issued orders for troops to shoot all demonstrators and Democratic Party supporters on sight. "This terrorist cabal…Kerry, Edwards, Kennedy, and all the rest…can't be allowed to disrupt our unique system of democracy!"
When asked how the American people would react to a coup d'etat by a defeated president, Secretary Rumsfeld snarled, "They'll just have to get over it. Sniveling pansies…just wait until we start up the draft again…we'll see how all the mammas boys out there like that! Bunch of long haired, hippy junkies…just wait until they're all in the Army!"
Vice President Cheney, commenting on the ensuing chaos from an undisclosed location-widely reported to be deep within Cheyenne Mountain outside Colorado Springs-was even more blunt, "Who do they think they're dealing with here? I'll show them who the biggest Dick in DC is! If five heart attacks couldn't stop me, you think something as trivial as an election will?"
In discussing the potential ramifications of a defeated president refusing to concede defeat, many network news commentators were surprisingly sympathetic to Mr. Bush's plight. Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, remarked, "We'll what's the president supposed to do? Just leave office because he got 10 million less votes than Kerry on Election Day. What kind of message would that send to the terrorists? America's weak…that's what it would say!"
On CNN, meanwhile, political commentators Tucker Carlson and Robert Novak quickly shrugged off the long term effects of the coup on democracy in America. "Well, the Republicans spent how much…$500 million this election cycle…you just can't call it quits and go home after spending that much! What would that say to the 29 percent of Americans who actually voted for the president?" Novak asked rhetorically.
Disputed President-Elect Kerry was thought to be hiding somewhere in New York City as dawn broke over the deeply divided nation. According to Democratic Party Chairman-in-Exile Terry McAuliffe, Kerry would appeal to the UN for an emergency meeting of the Security Council to air his grievances against President Bush.
In other news, the headquarters of the New York Times, the Washington Post, and dozens of other newspapers were ransacked and burned by jubilant GOP supporters wearing attractive brown shirts, arm bands and jackboots.