With their prewar intelligence already proven wrong regarding Iraq's nuclear program, its chemical and biological weapons programs, meaningful links with Al Qaeda, the prospects for a post-invasion insurgency, the mean temperature in July, the size of the canine population, and the price of tea in Tikrit, the Central Intelligence Agency was dealt yet another blow today when a new classified report concluded that the CIA's intelligence was also wrong on Saddam Hussein, and that the supposed dictator was in reality not the president of Iraq, but, instead, a hairdresser, and a pretty bad one at that.
Saddam Hussein once had a loyal, large following in his barber shop in downtown Baghdad, according to the report, but suffered a head injury in the mosh pit at a Madonna concert in 1998, and seemed to suffer a temporary loss of memory and his sense of reality. He traveled to the United States, where he appeared as himself in The South Park Movie, the report confirms. Frightened and disillusioned after meeting the Devil during the shooting of the film, he went to Afghanistan to study the Koran, and, ironically enough, had direct contact with Osama Bin-Laden, giving him a terrible haircut in late 2000, prompting Bin-Laden to later label him an "infidel."
Saddam had lost his haircutting skill, the report continues. He returned home, where he administered a multitude of embarrassing haircuts, and earned the nickname the "Butcher of Baghdad." The population was generally pleased when he surprisingly appeared as the No. 1 card on the deck of the United States' most wanted. Some speculated that perhaps he had scalped Donald Rumsfeld when they met in the 80s. With many of his victims too humiliated to be seen in public, it was a small crowd that gathered to cheer the fall of his statue; the close-up here shows the bravery of the few people who dared to venture out of their homes.
The report also concludes that the CIA was wrong in its intelligence about Baghdad, and that there is no `h.'