Crawford, TX: Tuesday (Rooters) In a shock announcement today, Republican Presidential contender George W. Bush announced his withdrawal from the election, leaving the Presidency effectively to John Kerry, the Democratic candidate. A Bush campaign spokesman explained that Bush would seek the independence of Hawai'i from the United States, and his coronation as King of Hawai'i in January next year. Failing a successful accession to the Hawai'ian throne, Mr. Bush would reportedly be content to rule over "any small Pacific island*.
"We feel that becoming King of Hawai'i would be more appropriate to Mr. Bush's talents and disposition than the Presidency of the United States," explained Taykett Leiker-Mann, campaign strategist and spokesman at a press conference. "After all, kings don't have to spend all their time campaigning and soliciting soft money donations from oil companies. They can have absolute power -- executing people on a whim, with no tedious liberal lawyers to complain about infringements of personal rights. And it's a perfect opportunity for Mr. and Mrs. Bush to spend their time relaxing, away from the First Twins -- since they're not children any more, then we can safely say that No Child has been Left Behind."
When asked about the possible reaction of the Hawai'ians to a future rule by George Bush, Leiker-Mann claimed that "the Hawai'ian people will achieve sovereignty and freedom by coming under Mr. Bush's absolute rule. And maybe even democracy, if they prove themselves worthy of the honor in the next twenty years. But Mr. Bush has no wish to force himself on the people of Hawai'i. If a referendum reveals that more than 95% of the Hawai'ian people are against his becoming King to the extent of joining an insurgency, he will be happy to accept the throne of any small Pacific island with a good climate."
Governor of Hawai'i Linda Lingle commmented, "We have absolutely no wish to see George W. Bush in these islands, whether as King, or as anything else. If he doesn't want to be President, he can simply resign and take up a more honest profession, such as a piano player in a whorehouse."
Hawai'ian ex-sumo wrestler Chad Rowan who used to fight under the name of Akebono, commented, "If he wants to be King, George Bush is going to have to take me on in the ring. The road to the throne leads through me."
John Kerry was not available for comment.