WASHINGTON - President Bush announced yesterday that he would not support gay marriage, but that he had signed a bill exempting all gays and lesbians from all future income taxes and Social Security payments. This bill will become law only if Bush is elected to a second term.
"Homosexuals can't marry like normal people do but they are taxpayers, and some of them even support my bid for re-election," Bush announced on a campaign stop in Hateville, Ohio. "It's only fair to exempt all homosexuals from paying taxes to a country that hates their guts; if we won't allow them to partner up, have children, receive health benefits and such, we owe them a little something in return."
Political analysts speculated that this move by President Bush is a heavy-handed attempt to court the gay vote. The recent census figures show that homosexuals make up approximately 17.5 percent of America's population, and alienating that many voters could lose Bush the election.
However, President Bush had cause this morning to regret he made such a sweeping tax-exempt promise in exchange for a constitutional amendment gay marriage ban. In a surprising report, sources from the Internal Revenue Service stated that their email servers crashed late yesterday, and their phone lines continue to be jammed from millions of U. S. citizens contacting them to "declare their true lifestyles."
"All of the emails basically say the same thing," IRS agent Tim Vikelson told reporters. "They show a name, a Social Security number, and a short message that reads "I'm gay, don't have to pay.'"
The IRS reports that, so far, the census figures on gay partnerships in the United States may have been grossly underreported.
There are whole families that's gay, from little babies to really old folks," ," Vikelson said. "If the volume of calls and emails keeps up at the pace they're going now, I'm afraid that roughly 93% of the United States taxpayer base will evaporate."
Vikelson, who added that he "never knew the majority of Americans were gay," speculated that perhaps the gay marriage ban is not such a good idea after all.
"The entire tax burden of the United States may end up resting on only five to seven percent of its population," said a stunned Vikelson. "What could our President have been thinking?"
"By the way, I'm gay," said Vikelson. "I came out yesterday afternoon."
The wealthy Bush, who recently approved a new bisexual campaign slogan "I like Bush and I like Dick" told supporters that he would not back down from his gay tax-exempt decision.
Billionaire Democratic candidate, John Kerry, who came out of the closet along with the entire Southern Baptist Convention while speaking with them about the Bush gay marriage ban tax-exempt promise, told a cheering crowd "Vote for Bush! This is the best tax break idea any president could ever have!"