President George W. Bush has declared war on the Shire, claiming that US intelligence has reported that Hobbits possess weapons of mass destruction.
This announcement was made just hours after a group of radical Shiite Hobbits claimed responsibility for a suicide car bomb in Baghdad that killed 22.
In an address to the country, Bush repeatedly stated that he would "capture Frodo Baggins dead or alive".
Later in the speech, he stated that "Hobbits have been a scourge to our fair coun...countr...country since before the Vietnam War, and must be stopped before they attack our homeland with one of their weapons of mass destruction."
According to his speech, the short and fun-loving Hobbits have access over 30 different types of weapons of mass destruction, including:
- 300 grams of Anthrax toxin
- An unidentified amount of Smallpox virus
- Small amounts of Ebola virus
- 30 tons of Mustard Gas
- 12 tons of Sarin Nerve Gas
- The guys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
- Your mom's cooking
- 3 Tactical Nuclear Missiles
- Elmo's love-child
Bush's declaration has sparked outrage in many Americans, particularly in groups of fantasy book fanatics and midgets. According to one midget, "The Hobbits are our brothers. Don't hate on them just because they have hairy feet, are three feet tall, at drink copious amounts of alcohol. I have all those qualities too."
The Hobbits, surprisingly, have reacted to the news quite well. In the words of Edward Smallbanks, "This is a guy who choked on pretzel, asked the president of Brazil if he had ‘blacks there too?', and stated that 50x3 is 200…and you ask us if we're scared?"
Bush has vowed to bring the Hobbits to justice, but has not said how he plans to do that. The military is suffering a shortage of soldiers, and more troops are not signing up. However, Bush has said that he can find a way around that, and has asked the UN for assistance in the invasion of the Shire.
When asked whether or not he would stop after conquering the hobbits, Bush replied that he would then "begin to access the threat level of the elves". He believes that the invasion of the Shire should take no more than "2-3 weeks" and if all went well, U.S. troops would be out of the Shire and back in Iraq within 2 months.
Peter Jackson, the director of three movies based on The Lord of the Rings, could not be reached for comment.