Democratic Presidential Candidate John Forbes Kerry has reportedly decided to alter his appearance before the November Presidential Elections in an effort to win over undecided voters.
Kerry has apparently decided to receive a series of nose surgeries designed to weaken his nose to the point where it has a large chance of collapsing under its own weight.
The move has been criticized by many top politicians and plastic surgeons as a ridiculous marketing ploy that has no real benefit for the Democratic Party. In the words of one politician, who has asked to remain unnamed, "John Kerry is addressing issues no one has asked him to address. Personally, I believe that a facelift and maybe a few Botox injections would have been a better investment in his particular…situation. But asking for a Michael Jackson nose? That's the stupidest thing I've seen a Presidential candidate do since I had dinner with President Bush last night."
Maurice Whiting, the plastic surgeon that will operate on Kerry, was remarkably unenthusiastic about performing the operation. When asked his opinion on the matter, he replied, "I don't understand why anyone would want to look anything like Michael Jackson. In my mind, Michael Jackson signifies everything that's wrong with our culture. But in the end, it all about the cash, and the good Lord knows that John Kerry, or rather his wife, has a lot of that. You don't get rich by worrying whether or not the surgery you're about to perform on somebody is a crime against humanity. You get rich by worrying how many zeros you're going to get on that fat check the guy hands you."
Michael himself has publicly stated that he is "very flattered" and would like to "maybe discuss a partnership at my place over a few glasses of wine and sleeping pills." He has also offered to teach Kerry the proper techniques for swinging children over balconies among "other things".
John Kerry has not commented on whether or not he will learn the moonwalk or be charged with molesting young boys in a further effort to emulate Michael Jackson, but has refused the partnership invitation, saying that he holds "great respect" for the beleaguered pop star, but is not "gay like that."
He has also refused the second invitation, saying that "If I'm gonna learn how to molest little boys, I'll talk to the real experts: the Catholic Priests."