Washington, DC--Secret documents unearthed from inside one of George Bush's cowboy boots confirm that if re-elected, the Bush-Cheney Administration will create two de facto Americas within the United States of America.
One America will incorporate the best qualities of socialism, such as the 35-hour work week, government-sponsored health and child care, and affordable housing, with free daily vouchers to numerous fast-food restaurants, access to unlimited and inexpensive gas and heating fuel, and the ability to double-park anywhere without ever receiving a parking ticket. Americans placed in this America also will not be forced to listen to elevator music in supermarkets, office buildings, retail establishments, and--uh--elevators.
These Americans will also have access to special interests rates and will be able to borrow money at 1% and save money at 18%. Finally, they will be exempt from most criminal charges, although reading a book that is not on the best-seller list and has not been ghostwritten is grounds for immediate exile to a country where freedom is on the march.
In the other America, people will pay for health care coverage but never receive it because if nobody needs a flu vaccine, nobody needs any kind of medicine or treatment. However, the Bush-Cheney Administration thinks it is a mark of character for people to take responsibility for their own health care. That means paying for it out of pocket even if they don't get it.
Several networks will start a new reality show entitled "Operate on Your Neighbor" so that Americans can learn how to take care of their own health care issues more effectively. "This is a great example of helping small businesses and giving tax dollars back to the people," said one Administration official. "If a woman can sew a shirt, she can sew up a wound. If she can use a knife to chop vegetables, she can use a knife to transplant a liver."
People will be encouraged to borrow money at 18% and save money at 1% because it is good to save and be self-reliant but it is better to spend. Besides, the money from this America will help support the people in the other America.
Gas prices will continue to rise, forcing people to give up their SUVs. This will accomplish what no Surgeon General has been able to do: force Americans to lose weight. As Americans in this America seek to cram themselves into bare-bones smaller cars, they will be galvanized into action to be able to fit their entire bodies into said cars.
Who gets to be in which America? Well, both houses of Congress, lobbyists, and members of the Administration will get to be in the first America--the one with better health care and other perks. Everyone else will be placed in the other America, marching together for the freedom of total self-sufficiency, unfettered by government programs or regulations.