Written by snoz bunsen
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Topics: Polls

Thursday, 21 October 2004

image for Bush Dead Keen For Votes
RIP Spokesman Rogan Ghost Yesterday

The Whitehouse today released a statement suggesting President Bush may stand down if he fails to win the election outright when the nation goes to the polls on November 2.

As we went to press Democrats up and down the country were dismissing Bush's latest tactic as ‘flop-flipping'- the age-old practise in which an incompetent incumbent (a flop) loses his mind (to flip). Senior Democrat spokesperson Mike Oxmal said this morning, "I would not trust this statement as there is clear evidence that President Bush is flop-flipping. This is a man who took off his underwear when Dick Cheney suggested a de-brief last week."
The Whitehouse however does insist this latest statement is genuine and suggests that the opposition simply does not know how to counter clever Republican tactics. The Whitehouse also said, "do none of you people feel a bit weird conversing with a building? I'm very old and don't suppose my opinion counts for very much in this day and age."

While Democrats ponder the latest move in this epic game of checkers that is the battle for Presidency, information has been handed to this publication that suggests the whole statement may be a smokescreen. A spokesman for rent-a-spokesman told us yesterday, "there is no way the bush camp have any intention of packing up their tents, collecting their garbage and urinating on any fires."

As the political spotlight increasingly turns to the state of Florida, some analysts are suggesting that manipulating the black vote may be too conspicuous this time round, "It would be too obvious to go for that old chestnut again, but remember it was a quite brilliant move at the time, made in an age when this country was very naïve about politics," one analyst said yesterday.
There are rumblings that an underground Republican movement may step in to scupper Kerry's chances next week however. The Republican Inert Patrol (RIP) has allegedly been registering deceased Republicans on the election roll this last two weeks although do admit to some practical difficulties along the way. A spokesman for RIP, Rogan Ghost, told us this morning, "it's one thing registering but the thing is, these voters have to physically get to Florida in order to cast the actual vote so there is an aromatic issue, to say the least. However, on a happier note we have managed to usurp the votes of several high profile deceased Democrats. When we were digging up the old Republicans we looked into the graves of some Democrats on the off chance and noticed several had completely turned while many more were still turning."

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