Washington, DC: House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, met with the press and Congressional leaders today to discuss replacing the 2010 mid-term election cycle with a "psychic estimate" of the voters' true intent.
"There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible," Pelosi stated. "Certainly, millions of Americans vote regularly and see it as a civic duty. However, there are millions of others who rarely, if ever vote, and their voices are never heard.
"This is simply unfair. For millions, the demands of voting simply take too much time away from television to make it worth their efforts. Others are simply unable to stop thinking about themselves long enough to do anything that does not give them something for free at the end.
"Still more complain that both paper and electronic ballots require people to read before they can cast a vote. Again, this is simply too much of a burden to place on the average American. Many report they see all those letters, get angry, and just start compulsively stabbing in rage at the ballot until an election official asks them to stop. Why should millions of Americans be disenfranchised simply because they are too distracted and uninformed to make a rational decision?"
"It is obvious this is no way for the greatest democracy in the world to operate, and reform is desperately needed to ascertain the true will of the people. Previous efforts at replacing traditional ballots with one big box marked 'VOTE' have failed to gain widespread support, leaving us little option other than turning to America's psychic community to return fairness and equality to our government."
According to a blue ribbon panel's report released from Pelosi's office, the 2010 election cycle would be replaced by a "psychic estimate of voter intent," conducted by "Madam Mu-Mu," a prominent psychic "reader to and of the stars," from Pelosi's home district near San Francisco.
"My stars," exclaimed Madam Mu-Mu upon learning of per possible appointment. "Madam Mu-Mu never guessed something like this would ever happen to her! Love and light to us all. My Stars!"
Madam Mu-Mu assured she would not just channel the true will of the electorate, "[But] all other disenfranchised spiritual beings who share our dimensional space. Finally, the dolphins, otters, unicorns, even the earth spirit herself, will have a say in the direction of our national economy."
Republican Congressional leaders voiced agreement with the concept of Pelosi's proposal, however, objected to the timing. "Our nation is facing an unprecedented economic downturn, massive budget deficits, and spiralling job loses," said House Minority Leader, John Boehner. "This is no time to add something more to our plate. We would have been very interested in this plan, say in mid 2008, however, now we must focus on dealing with the business of the American people, healthcare reform, and lowering taxes to spur economic recovery. Perhaps we can discuss these reforms after the mid-term elections when we have more time."
Boehner also objected to the selection of Madam Mu-Mu to conduct the psychic estimate, "There has never been any scientific evidence proving the validity of psychic powers. The fate of our nation is too important to leave in the hands of an unverifiable theory. If anyone conducts this estimate, it should be an unbiased Christian like Pat Robertson, or someone like that. If anyone is deciding the future of America, it ought to be God."
Pat Robertson could not be reached for comment. However, sources close to Robertson, who did not wish to be identified, refused to predict the outcome of any Robertson estimated election, since it was "in the hands of God," according to the source. The source did tentatively predict that while the exact estimate would not be known until "revealed by the Lord," it would have, "One hell of a lot fewer Jews and blacks in it."