The latest polls show that John F. Kerry holds a teeny weenie, slight, barely measurable, 95.5% to 3.2% lead over George W. Bush.
According to polls taken in recent days by the three major networks, the Associated Press, Time and Newsweek magazines, the senator from Massachusetts has what many consider to be a statistically insignificant 92.3% lead over the president. However, infinitely more reliable Gallup and Fox News polls still show the president holding a commanding 45.1% to 44.9% lead (with a 5% margin of error).
According to the pollsters, who interviewed nearly 100 million people over the weekend, Kerry has the strong support of Democrats, moderate Republicans, Independents, the handicapped, seniors, teens, college graduates, labor unions, veterans, housewives, working women, professionals, and those attempting to enter the country inside shipping containers from Asia.
The president, on the other hand, enjoys rock solid support from survivalists in Idaho, NRA members, fundamentalist Christian Rapturists, gay bashers, Ralph Nader, Senator John McCain, and most of the state of Texas.
According to Ben Dover, a spokesman for the Gallup organization, the president's poll numbers are likely to rebound strongly as Election Day nears. "We believe that the president's numbers are actually stronger than some other polls might otherwise suggest." He then described Gallup's scientific polling methodology, "First, we apply a "smoothing factor," by not counting half the people who said they will vote for John Kerry, while simultaneously multiplying everyone who said they would vote for President Bush by a factor of 10. Then, when we have those numbers, we again double Bush's number, while dividing Kerry's in half. And finally, we flip a coin."
When asked if this equation tended to favorably skew Bush's support, while also discounting Kerry's, Dover remarked, "Absolutely not! We just know that the president can't possibly lose in the type of landslide our raw numbers would otherwise be indicating. It's just not possible! Therefore, we always need to "smooth" out our numbers to account for a range of complicated polling issues that might not otherwise be represented in the raw sampling, such as sexual favors and death threats."
When asked how Fox News tabulated its findings, the head of the network's polling unit remarked, "We called Karl Rove…and he said that the president was leading by a commanding margin. So we used his numbers. Why would he lie? I mean, he's the White House Chief of Staff for God sake!"
In other news, early voting was disrupted in several states, including Florida, on Monday as a deadly strain of flu swept through the southeast. Many elderly actually keeled over in the parking lots of pharmacies while waiting in vain for vaccinations that were simply not available. At times, the scene got ugly.
"This is Bush's fault. Just wait ‘till I vote…I'll kick his useless ass back to Texas where it belongs," remarked Mrs. Thelma Partridge. "Look at my poor husband. He's 95 years old, has one long, one kidney, and is blind as a bat. And they say he's not a priority! What kind of circus are we running in this country?"
Another woman, who asked to remain anonymous, remarked, "Good God, it's 100 degrees out here. And they're treating us like animals. Compassionate Conservatives my ass! I'll show that monkey-faced idiot in Washington what I think of him!"
When asked if he thought the unprecedented lack of flu vaccine would work against the president's re-election, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, remarked, "Not at all. I think seniors know the importance the president places on their votes. Just because we're 50 million shots short, doesn't indicate any lack of leadership or mistakes made at the top." When pressed, McClellan, snapped, "Hey, it's not like people are going to die over this!"