Written by hughster
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Topics: America, Government

Monday, 18 October 2004

Now in a "secure, undisclosed location", a former aide to Vice President Cheney disclosed a shocking plot to take over the Presidency of the United States of America.

The aide, who cannot be named for security reasons, and is known to the FBI as "Mr. X", gave himself up to the FBI's Counter-Terrorism Unit last week, claiming to have knowledge of a domestic plot to overthrow the current president, George W. Bush. Further questioning revealed that the plot was headed by the Vice President, Richard Cheney, an FBI spokesperson revealed yesterday.

Secret Service "Subverted"
On September 11 2001, George W. Bush was in Florida for an education "photo-op". Even after being informed of the second plane crashing into the World Trade Center, the Secret Service made no attempt to remove the president to a place of safety for at least five minutes. According to Mr. X, the Secret Service agents on duty had been instructed to be "less than zealous" in their performance of their duties that day. Following this, Air Force One, with the president on board, flew around, "deliberately exposing the president to risk", claims Mr. X. This was reportedly the result of memos from Mr. Cheney's office which "subverted" the functions of the Secret service.

Presidential illness caused by "Agent AEN"?
Many commentators have remarked in recent months on Mr. Bush's seeming irrationality, loss of linguistic skills, and increasing dogmatic and inflexible approach to issues. Such symptoms, claims Mr. X, are the results of a CIA-sourced compound originally developed for use against Cuban president Fidel Castro, code-named "Agent AEN" (the name refers to Alfred E Neuman of Mad Magazine fame - "What, me worry?").

It is alleged that this substance has been added to the presidential diet by Mr. Cheney's agents in an attempt to render the president incapable of fulfilling the duties of the office at some time immediately following the election, which Mr. Bush was assumed to win, on account of his strong manufactured image as an "ordinary man". The dosage apparently was miscalculated, resulting in a minor stroke and impairment of mental functions at some time between the second and third presidential debates with Senator Kerry. Mr. X also speculates that Mr. Bush's previous well-documented substance abuse may also have contributed to his over-reaction to Agent AEN.

Ongoing investigation
The FBI is treating Mr. X's allegations extremely seriously given the scope and scale of the alleged offenses, according to the spokesperson, adding that there has been no evidence revealed so far to cast doubt on the story. Nonetheless, it was admitted that these claims do appear to be "like something out of a bad spy novel" and therefore must be investigated fully. Members of the vice-presidential staff are subject to ongoing investigation and are therefore not available for comment to the media. The DC District Attorney is expected to call a grand jury in the next week, for the purpose of issuing a subpoena to Mr. Cheney.

A call to the Attorney-General's office revealed that the Attorney-General, who was leading the staff of the Justice Department in a prayer meeting at the time, was unaware of these developments.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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