As explosions rocked 5 churches in Baghdad yesterday morning, members of the British and American high command were meeting at a secret location 12 kilometers south of the Iraqi capital. They were tasked with redeployment ahead of the elections, as well as assessing the status of the war.
The British expressed their displeasure at American forces total lack of regard for human rights and decency with Abu Ghraib being cited as the prime example. How can we inspire the Muslim community to respect us, when we despoil their laws on dignity and modesty?
At this point a messenger arrived and informed the members that 5 Christian churches had been blown up and another couple of civilians beheaded. This was in addition to a mortar landing near a hospital and a number of car bombs which occasioned collateral damage.
The British general was outraged ; "How are we going to finish this briefing if we keep having interruptions? Please hold all messages until further notice..."
"...where was I? Ah yes, if we are going to allow prison warders to take compromising pictures of men who are forbidden to by their religion, then what kind of animals are we? What must they think of us?"
The American general read from a further communique : "Apparently thousands of Christians fled Iraq post Saddam and these church bombings are a message to the other 800 000, get out of Iraq....The beheadings...."
The British general burst in : "Sir this rudeness cannot be tolerated. Yes the odd church, a head or two here or there but what are we going to do about a man being photographed with a woman in our prisons? How can we show these people during their terror breaks, that we are bent on ensuring their human rights are being observed?"
"Perhaps you should assist them in setting up the Caliphate, which apparently is their divine mission. What about surrendering for a start? How about retaking all Islamic land in terms of Dar al-Islam?" suggested the Americans.
"What rot! Tell me general why do you wish to move British troops into certain hotspots? Our understanding has always been that during war if you pull a cushy number you get to keep it. Of course if we are heading for shite we call the Yanks eg WWI and WWII. BUT that does not work in reverse".
"General much as we hate to move your troops at this time, they are the best equipped for the job at hand. In addition as your press seem to love calling on our opponents to kill your troops, and as you believe Americans are gung ho, against forces whose stated goal is to take over the world with unspeakable acts of brutality, we figured that the British ability to analyze a situation is so warped and twisted, that your troops will believe they're actually in a safe zone!"