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Saturday, 16 October 2004

image for Bin Laden Sets New Rules Of Engagement
Gung Ho? Cancel his British visa!

The furor created by America's request for British troops to be relocated to hot spots in Iraq, under US command, has resulted in Osama bin Laden changing his rules of engagement. British members of parliament are alarmed that the Americans are far too gung ho and Britain will be tainted by association. In order to meet the British halfway, Osama has drafted these kinder rules of engagement.

1. Suicide bombers are to close the door of the house they are flattening, prior to detonating and wiping out all the civilians inside.

2. In a nightclub, Bali for example, bombers are to pay full entrance fee before killing all the tourists in a series of explosions.

3. Suicide bombers who hijack and crash airplanes into the World Trade Centre and other buildings must return any cutlery borrowed, to the kitchen before "landing".

4. Any hostage, murdering piece of shit, taker (apology for extra words I get confused - should hostage + taker be included?) involved in mass murdering children at a school are to leave the hall neat and tidy.

5. Any car bomb parked next to a British or Australian Consulate, loaded with more explosive than was used in WWII, shall ensure that the parking meter has been paid for in full. (For instructions on collateral damage see "Jihad Made Easy" under section marked 'Who gives a f*ck?)

6. When bombing the Spanish Railways into oblivion and attempting to wipe out as many civilians as you can manage in one go, always ensure that any fares which are required to be paid, have been paid. No charge of fare dodging must ever darken our doorstep.

7. When hostage taking civilians who are in Iraq to rebuild the country, always remember the Geneva Convention before locking them up in a tiny box, negotiating with their families and finally beheading them for the planet's viewing pleasure. Remember that all of our Rules of Engagement are always forgotten by the British who believe the Americans are gung ho.

8. The final point was raised in committee. It is an internal issue rather than a rule of engagement : Please ensure that your sister or your daughter's corpse is thrown into the trash receptacle nearest your home after an honor killing. We are getting complaints from various organisations and while we all enjoy laughing at Robert Fisk's latest column blaming the Americans for collateral damage, it can demoralize the locals when the scale of dead bodies is discovered. Remember cleanliness is next to Najaf...12 kms south I believe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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