Akron, Ohio -- (SP) With the election campaign heating up, both sides have turned to the cold vote to bring their candidate to victory.
In a stump speech designed to cater to the departed, President Bush promised that with his reforms to immigration policy, cemeteries will be mowed by legal aliens to this country who come here to find work.
"You take your average Jose, just over the border here from Mexico, and you tell him he can do anything he wants, as long as a white person doesn't want to do it, and he will" said the President Thursday to the vast crowd stored at Pinetree Hill Mausoleum.
Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, speaking to a group of deceased 'War of 1812' veterans in Chipawanee, New York, pointed out that in the last four years, George Bush had "Done nothing to improve our naval presence on the Great Lakes to prevent Canada from marching across our inland seas and shelling your great-great grandchildrens nursing homes"
"I think it is so nice for both parties to really speak up for the dead" noted Eugenia Parksidip of Chipawanee. Her husband, Randall, has become more active in politics since his death in 1985.
"He used to say that all those guys looked like car salesmen, but after the lord took him, he's been a rabid political junkie. Randall has voted straight democrat for what, twenty years."
Sheila Raynor, a member of the militant lesbian group "Political Equality, News, Information and Statistics", or P.E.N.I.S. for short, finds it shameful that the drive for the Commander and Chief has been led down a graveyard path.
"Its awful, those two men fighting over who can be more popular by promising things they can't deliver, like affordable health care or admitting that upright urination is an insult to women"
"It is the right of every cadaver, no matter how young or old, to have access to gravestone repair" said John Kerry to a question and answer session at Riley Ridge Funeral Parlor. "and to answer what you had asked, yes, I am in favor of using the full power of the Justice Department to prosecute 'stone tipping'"
In a poll of corpses likely to vote, nearly ninety-nine percent were either undecided or chose not to take part in the survey. With that much of a potential voting block up for grabs in key states, the president may be decided by who can cover the most turf.
"I know how you feel" spoke President Bush to the cremated remains of Lucille Volga, of Akron. "Crispy, dehydrated. It gets hot in Crawford. Like an oven. Hot."