Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 3 February 2010

image for Punxsutawney Phil Emerges From His Hole And Is Quickly Captured
Punxsutawney Phil alternating between eating a peanut and playing wih his little bitty pecker.

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania - Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog came out of his hole, saw his shadow and got back in his hole, or rather he tried to get back in but he failed.

It seems that there were two residents who live nearby who were able to catch PP with their groundhog catching net.

Punxsutawney residents Homer Buckbunt and Clemy Fizzyfutt who are both unemployed outhouse repairmen decided that they would capture Punxsutawney Phil and turn him into the main ingredient in their wives' homemade stew.

Buckbunt and Fizzyfutt are married to sisters, the Nipcoin twins, Hetta and Tetta. The Nipcoin sisters won last years 'Valentine's Day Homemade Stew Making Contest' at The Yearly Jed Clampett Hoe Down and Possum Plinking Festival.

In years past, the Nipcoins would use groundhogs that they kept in a cage in their daddy's garage. But this year since their father Rutley Nipcoin moved to Shenandoah, Virginia, because of the Rhode Island Red molestation charges, they had to have their husbands Homer and Clemy provide them with a groundhog.

Homer said that the general store was fresh out and Elmer's Varmints Meat Market was closed due to the roof collapsing due to the record snowfall they had last week.

So he and Clemy just decided that they would get themselves a groundhog, even though it wouldn't be as big or as healthy as the ones that Hetta and Tetta's daddy used to raise.

When Buckbunt and Fizzyfutt were asked if it wasn't illegal to hunt groundhogs, they replied that it kinda was but that they did have a special permit from Sheriff Lazlo Lapjacket who just happens to be the great uncle of the Nipcoin sisters.

They also pointed out that the county judge Dusty "Bubba" Pocketweather, 89, also just happens to be the boyfriend of the Nipcoin sisters maternal great grandmother Vida Vu Plipsmacket-Titzwater, 94.

When asked if their grandmother was a widow or a divorcee, Tetta replied that she was neither and that she was a happily married woman, who had been married to their great grandfather Tubby Titzwater for 80 years.

Tetta was asked if her great grandfather didn't mind that his wife, their great grandmother was having an affair with the county judge. She laughed and said "Oh hell no, Paw Paw Tubby ain't had to pay no county taxes for the past 17 years, so he's as happy as a coyote at a lamb convention."

In a non-related story. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has informed the press that the nude photos that have been circulating all over the Internet purportedly of her are not of her, but of a woman, who lives in Nebraska who looks a lot like her. Pelosi said that friends and relatives of hers who know her fairly well know that she does not shave her lap muffin.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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