Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has joined the Dallas Cowboys in what club officials describe as the coup to end all coups. Cowboy's head coach Bill Parcells said that Zarqawi was the most offensive linebacker he'd ever seen. "This guy is as explosive a player as you'll find anywhere in the NFL".
Zarqawi walked into the Texas Stadium two weeks ago and immediately made an impact. The 37 year old Jordanian kidnapped several cheerleaders and threatened to kill them unless he was offered a trial. Club officials were about to laugh it off as some sort of prank, until a video tape of "Abu's Greatest Hits" was aired on Al Jazeera.
Cowboys officials immediately contacted the hostage taker and confirmed that he was to report the following morning for training. Zarqawi responded with a short statement containing any number of threats and outlining what would happen to the girls if this was some sort of trick.
This led a Dallas coach to remark that it was unlikely that Abu had a Sunni disposition. Indeed if anything the club was deep in the Shiite.....but I digress.
The following morning saw Zarqawi in the changeroom putting on his uniform. Certain players burst into tears when they saw that his padding was made of explosives. The coach who shouted "Don't lose your heads you idiots", has been sacked.
Out on the field Zarqawi stood out like a sore thumb. The motorbike helmet and sword were a dead giveaway. Of course the leg he lost in a US missile strike on an Afghan base is also helpful in spotting the little ray of sunshine.
Mind you he does have a wonderful sense of humor. Everytime a player was badly hurt he roared with delight and expressed the hope that this wonderful sport could be exported back home. Possibly with a few amendments to the rules to increase the incidents of violence.
QuarterBack Vinny Testaverde said that the sight of a one-legged fanatic, wearing a motorbike helmet, strapped up with explosives and bearing down on him with a sword, will live with him forever. He admits bursting into tears and soiling his pants before throwing the ball away and racing for his car.
Testaverde next recollection was sobbing and screaming while hugging the steeringwheel, then suddenly becoming aware that the "thing" was also in the car. He was trying desperately not to lose his head when coaching staff arrived and escorted laughing boy back to the field.
There is no doubting that Zarqawi is an impact player and Dallas moved for his signature. They have however confirmed that they will be having him neutered in order to try and remove some aggression. Their fears are that it may not work and they'll be forced to have him put down.