Tampa, Florida - Wednesday Speaking before a randomly-selected audience of uncommitted multi-millionaires at a campaign rally in Florida, President Bush yesterday unveiled his plan to scrap all compulsory federal income taxes for certain sections of the American community if he enters the White House for a second term.
"For too long now," Mr. Bush explained, "small business owners such as myself, the Vice-President and Kenny-boy [a reference to Ken Lay, the recently-indicted ex-CEO of Enron) have been subject to an annual invasion of privacy by the federal government. We believe that the federal government has no place in our lives, or in our pocketbooks. I have therefore personally devised a plan to assist hard-working Americans such as myself, and relieve them of the crushing burden of federally-imposed taxes."
"Prayer is the answer"
Mr. Bush went on to explain that although the top 1% of Americans would still be expected to pay federal taxes, there would be no further compulsion to do so. "Prayer is the answer," he explained. "Every year, I would like each American earning more than $200,000 to look into his heart and pray for guidance on the amount he should pay to the IRS, or indeed, whether he should pay anything at all. Since the Lord is clearly a Republican, as shown by His blessing of the rich under the financial policies of my administration, you may be sure that He will give you the answer you want to hear."
Federal Added Receivables Tariff
He continued, "Of course, there will be those who maintain that we should attempt to 'balance the budget', and so I propose a flat sales tax, which will be levied on luxury items such as food, clothing, educational services and health care. Naturally, there will be exemptions for essentials, such as personal marine and air transportation, secondary residences maintained for the purpose of relaxation and stress relief, as well as for consumption of services which provide many jobs for the otherwise disadvantaged, such as use of five-star hotels. This Federal Added Receivables Tariff (FART) will be applied at a flat rate of 23% across the whole of this great land for domestic products. At 30% for imported products, a stronger FART should help to repel inferior foreign goods and keep them from reaching American consumers. This FART adds a new meaning to the phrase "American values".
"No knowledge of President's plan"
When asked about President Bush's plans for faith-based taxation and the FART, Secretary of the Treasury John Snow replied, "I have no detailed knowledge of the President's plan. The first I knew of it was when I saw him speaking on TV in Florida. Quite frankly, I think it's one of those brainstorms he gets when he's left alone near the hospitality bar on Air Force One for too long. I advise you not to print anything about it, and he'll forget the whole thing, just like he did with al Qaeda and that bin Laden guy."
Presidential hopeful John Kerry, when asked for his reaction to Bush's remarks, commented, "It's what the American people have come to expect from George W. Bush -- a socially divisive fiscal system which further divides America into the 'haves' and the 'have-nots'. My Presidency will make us all proud to be Americans again."