Fugitive Found in Lincoln Bedroom: President Safe
After years of fruitless searches, thousands of lives, and tens of millions of dollars, the greatest mass murderer in modern times has finally been found and brought to justice. Osama bin Laden, whose family has long-standing social and economic ties to the Bush family, was found early this morning by a maid in the historic Lincoln Bedroom within the White House.
Alice Tully, a long-time domestic employee in the executive mansion, made the shocking discover after hearing strange noises coming from under a door on the building's second floor.
"I heard these thumping sounds and then some grunts and groans. It sounded like somebody was getting beaten up in there or something." Not knowing what to make of the situation, Tully ran down the hall and told a Marine guard and Secret Service agent that something was wrong. Wary of a terrorist incursion into the building, the Secret Service immediately sealed off the White House grounds and prepared to enter the room. After breaking down the door with a battering ram, Agent Hugh Baller was the first to enter the room.
"Yeah, when we got in there, there he was, bin Laden, clear as day. However, we didn't expect to also find the president in the room." Agent Baller, looking somewhat nervous, quickly added, "It was pretty evident that the president was being…held hostage…there was no other possible explanation for him to be in there with bin Laden."
Appearing shaken, but unharmed, the president was later asked by reporters how bin Laden could have possibly gained entrance to the most secure building on Earth. "These terrorists have ways…they're bad folks. They can do things…bad things. We have to always remember that."
When reporters then asked the president how he was lured into the Lincoln bedroom, Bush seemed to become visibly agitated. "What do you mean lured? I wasn't lured….that would mean I'm stupid. I heard a noise…yeah…a noise…and checked it out. I thought there might be a terrorist in there…so I went in to check it out. And then I saw him."
After pausing to collect his thoughts, the president continued, "We were wrestling around there for awhile…before the Secret Service came in. I mean…I coulda handled it myself."
As he was taken into federal custody, bin Laden, hisbody greased and wearing only a pair of red Speedos, shouted to reporters, "He double-crossed me…that son of a jackal."