Written by Harry Porter
Print this

Thursday, 14 October 2004

image for God Wins Out After Final TV Debate
God, in His Renaissance guise: 'I'm flattered, but I ain't running.'

After the triple head-to-head debates between US President George W Bush and his Democrat rival John Kerry, there was only one clear winner… God.

And afterwards, the All Powerful One said: "I'm flattered, but I ain't running."

Both mortals doffed their metaphorical caps in the debate to the Almighty, acknowledging that no matter how much their views differed on Iraq, national security, the economy, gay rights, abortion, illegal immigration and gun control, the ‘Big Guy Upstairs' played a major part in their thinking.

"This always happens," said a depressed God afterwards.

"I'm always used as a kinda trump card; my name gets dropped in here and there as though that's enough to net a few more extra votes.

"I don't like it and it matters a whole lot less to me than a child crying in some bombed-out street."

The Brand

So, after squaring up three times on national TV to get their case across, the ‘Far Left' challenger and the ‘Divisive' President, both lost out to the Omnipotent One.

Snap polls taken by TV networks named God a clear winner. Seventy-two per cent of those polled by CNN said they would defintely vote for God if He ran, while the remaining 28 per cent were divided evenly between Kerry and Bush.

Analysts reckon God ‘The Brand' is a tough nut to crack, having been around since the dawn of time while Bush, as in ‘Burning Bush', didn't hit the political scene until the Old Testament. Kerry is a political infant in comparison.

God, blessed with an innate ability to smite whomsoever deemed worthy of being smitten and with a global power to visit plagues upon anyone not adhering to any UN resolution, would be, by far, the most powerful candidate - if the Almighty took the unprecendeted step of seeking election through a ballot box.

God Jnr

Plagues and the smiting ability to one side, God has also pushed the same key messages through His consistent manifesto since the very beginning of time.

Apart from a shift in emphasis from ‘The Law' to ‘The Faith' some 2,000 years ago - thanks to God Jnr, Jesus - the message has been crystal clear, and pretty unequivocal on slaying, corruption and having The Brand taken in vain.

Despite that, or some analyists might say because of that, God's platform has been an unelectable one, though many a candidate has claimed to have the Divine One's backing.

And as Bush and Kerry scratch the days off to the decisive poll, both obviously believe God is standing in their particular wing.

But the Almighty says they're both wrong.

"It seems it's hard for people to get their heads around this," He said, "but I am a candidate, and always have been, I'm just not running in any mandamn election."

Make Harry Porter's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 multiplied by 1?

3 5 24 6
60 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more