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Wednesday, 13 October 2004

image for Bush Props Up Social Security, Sells Idaho
Bush: Sells Idaho, Saves Seniors

Boise, ID - In an unprecedented move, the President announced today that he will sell the state of Idaho in order to maintain a financially solvent Social Security. The Sultan of Brunei has signed an Intent to Buy agreement with the US that exchanges the state for an undisclosed amount of money.

The announcement comes on the heels of a report released yesterday by the Office of Management and Budget stating that Social Security will officially be broke at midnight on December 31, 2004.

The White House announcement revealed that due to a freak accounting error, all of Social Security's remaining monies, totaling approximately $300 trillion, have been accidentally diverted to fund the ongoing Iraq war effort and to buy matching 2005 Pontiac Sunbirds for the President's two college-age daughters as surprise graduation presents.

The Social Security Administration's recently-switched accounting firm of record, Haliburton Partners, LLP admitted to the gross error. James Leftwich, junior accountant for the firm, was terminated this morning. As Leftwich was escorted to his Ford Escort he told this reporter, "My boss gave me a file with the name scratched out last month and said to do my best. I guess I messed up a little. I think they're being a little harsh if you ask me."

The announcement drew little interest in the nation's capital. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan fielded questions from a only handful of reporters, one of whom was only there to interview the newly-appointed White House banquet chef.

"The President feels badly about the whole Social Security debacle. But he felt he can make it right by selling a state. The Sultan of Brunei was looking to acquire some land, we needed to raise some cash. Real estate is all about timing. I guess we were just lucky." McClellan summed up.

Asked if the sale had anything to do with recent speculation that John Kerry will win the state's four Electoral College votes in the upcoming election, McClellan answered, "this was NOT politically motivated. The Sultan has just been in the market for a fixer-upper for some time now. He's got really cool plans to renovate the state. He wants to move a few walls, re-carpet, and add a sun porch with a hot tub."

When asked if the money could just be returned, McClellan retorted, "Both the girls' cars have already been driven. They're only worth a fraction of their value now. Everybody knows new cars depreciate once you drive them off the lot."

The buying agent for the Sultan of Brunei, Hadji Patel of the Remax realty office in Gubatsa, Brunei could only say that the agreement has been signed by both parties and that the offer has been accepted. Listing agent Roger Shaffer of Boise, ID Shaffer's Century 21 said that he only could reveal that earnest money in the amount of $500 accompanied the Sultan's offer.

"All's I can say is that the Sultan's check cleared."

Pending a termite inspection, the sale is expected to close on or about November 24, 2004.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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