Having recently declared that carbon dioxide poses a threat to human health and welfare, the Environmental Protection Agency took its first regulatory action today to limit CO2 emissions by outlawing carbonated beer. "We understand that this may not be a popular regulatory action," said EPA Administrator Lisa P. Jackson, "so we have purchased ad time during the Super Bowl to explain the science supporting our decision."
"For example," offered Ms. Jackson, "in 2004 Americans drank almost 24 billion liters of beer resulting in roughly 1.5 million metric tons of CO2 emissions; and that kind of pollution must be stopped."
Incredulous reporters asked the EPA Administrator why she would single out beer for regulatory action. "Look, this isn't going to interfere with our wine and pate parties here at the EPA," offered the flustered bureaucrat, "and besides, beer is icky anyway. Did you know that in the fermentation process sugars are eaten by small yeast critters which then metabolize it, excrete alcohol and fart CO2? At least... that's the way it was explained to me."
Ms. Jackson said that the EPA's Super Bowl ads would be "funny and enlightening" with "really cute EPA scientists." Asked if she thought "funny ads" about a beer ban shown to 80 million beer-drinking viewers would be well received, Ms. Jackson giggled and said that she finds the "whole thing amusing."
In a celebratory mood at the press conference, the EPA Administrator offered champagne and soft drinks to the media to underscore the point that the EPA was not outlawing all carbonated beverages. "We are mindful of the need for some carbonated respite from the flat realities of life," said Ms. Jackson, "but beer? Who drinks that stuff anyway?"