According to a manifesto document leaked today, President Bush has already established his agenda for a second term in office.
In a return to core values, the President outlines his plans to bring faith back to prominence in a move that is sure to cause discombobulation among atheists and agnostics throughout the United States, regardless of faith.
An already overwrought fishing industry could be one of the first groups to suffer as the President launches his ‘cod war on terror' by banning the consumption of shellfish in line with Leviticus 11:10 which states, "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you." The leaked document states that there will be an eight-pronged assault on octopus eaters while the crab and lobster consumers will be taken to task by way of a pincer movement. A Whitehouse spokesman said that this and other such changes are in line with the President's new policy on "Christian Liberty." "All Americans love liberty," the spokesman said, adding, "fishermen are either with us or against us."
In a further attack on morals, President Bush -who also points out in the document that he is a direct descendent of the burning bush- will be seeking federal approval for a new "national outfit," a flax sackcloth, based on the teachings of Leviticus 19:19 which states, "…neither shall a garment mingled with linen and woollen come upon thee."
An anonymous source at the publication American Sheep Shearer (ASS) announced that they would like further clarification, as the fine points of the document appeared at best, woolly. However, shares in Lotrameen, the nation's major producer of jock itch cream rose 5 points in the hours following the announcement.
This revelation is bound to raise concern among swing voters already concerned at Bush's alleged, "political interpretation" of the Bible. However, a Whitehouse spokesindividual this morning said, "you are either with us or against us."
Questions were also asked as to how a Commander in Chief could usurp parts of the bible that allegedly fitted his personal ideology. When the issue of alleged hypocrisy was raised by way of highlighting the fact that there was a nepotistic element to the fact that President Bush ever rose to the position of President (see Samuel 8:1), a former producer on National Geographic, now a born again Christian and Whitehouse spokesperson stated, "God was quite happy with Joseph looking after his own in Genesis 47:11. Furthermore, worker ants of the species Formica fusca clearly demonstrate nepotistic tendencies. When you consider the word nepotism has roots in the Latin, nepos, meaning nephew one could argue that if it is good enough for ants, it is surely good enough for nephews and therefore sons." When it was pointed out by our reporter that this last statement undermined the creationist argument, the spokesman stated, "you are either with us or against us."