Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: chicago, Illinois

Wednesday, 13 October 2004

image for Chicago Times dumps "Dear Abby"
"I'm your guy."

Chicago, Illinois - After decades in print, the Chicago Times has dropped the advice column "Dear Abby" for the new and often very funny, "Dear Mr. Wise Guy." The column is written by "the unknown guy" as they call him and reads as follows:

Dear Mr. Wise Guy,
I am seventeen years old, I have saved five thousand dollars for college, but I have a problem. I want to spend the money on a nose job; I'm tired of being ugly. Can you help me? My mother thinks I'm crazy. What do you think? (See my picture enclosed.) - Nosey in Chicago.

Dear Nosey,
Please, not while I'm eating! Honey, it's not the nose, you're just dog ugly! (Parents were probably ugly too.) Listen, there's a couple of ways to go here; one, you can learn to eat Alpo and just say woof or two, you can cultivate your intellect and go to school. The world needs smart chicks like you. Stay away from them cute chicks; they'll just make you feel rotten. Who knows, maybe you'll find an ugly college boy that will marry you. Nose job? Forget about it. Go to school, kid, get smart.

Dear Mr. Wise Guy,
My husband has decided that he doesn't want to have children. When we got married, he said he wanted two. I am getting older and I am desperate to have a child. What should I do? -
Kid-less in New Jersey

Dear Kid-less,
Loser jerks, like your husband, really piss me off! A promise is a promise. If you insist on having a kid, with this lying sack, I got a couple of boys that would love to remind him of his commitment. How about one to the knees, fella? You can tell him from me. It's all about respect.

Dear Mr. Wise Guy,
I have a girlfriend I love and want to marry, but I'm worried about my mom. She hates everyone I bring home. This girl, I'll call her Mary, is Jewish and my mom is an Italian Catholic, and can be very blunt and to the point about how she feels about people. Can you help? I need some advice. -
Fearful in Seattle

Dear Fearful,
Tell the old bag to get over it! And if she even thinks of anything rude to say, tell her you're going to put her (your mom) in a nursing home and never let her see the grand kids. Believe me, it will be "mums" the word, works every time. You don't need to give a rat's ass what your mom thinks, it could be worse; your girlfriend could be Puerto Rican!

Do you have any questions for Mr. Wise Guy? Send your questions to "Mr. Wise Guy" c/o Chicago Times.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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