Written by Dan Margherita
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Tuesday, 12 October 2004

image for Martha Stewart Keeping Prison Diary
Martha: They Should Show A Little Consideration!

Alderson, West Virginia --- As a means of assuring my loyal family and friends of my well-being, I have decided to chronicle my day-to-day experiences here at Alderson. Warden Olivia Clayton, already a dear friend, has agreed to release my thoughts to marthastewart.com on a regular basis.

Friday, October 8 6:15AM
Here I am, well before dawn, eager to get off on the right foot and ready to meet my new friends and, especially, my roommate. First order of business was the strip search, not unexpected but unexpectedly unpleasant (if you know what I mean). I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it, I joked but levity seems to be lost on these people. I doubt that everyone here is like them though.

Friday, October 8 10:40AM
If that was what passes for breakfast around here, there are going to have to be some serious changes made. I do not think those were eggs --- I swear that someone sneezed on the plate. Oh well, I doubt that all the meals are like that one though.

Friday, October 8 10:44AM
What is he looking at?

Friday, October 8 Noon
My roommate just got back from her seventh parole hearing and she does not look happy. Here name is Mandy Scarpaci but she says she prefers Amanda and she has already become a dear friend. She will not tell why she is here other than to say that it makes what I did look like Monopoly money. I will have to look this lady up! On the other hand, she keeps a picture of her and Squeaky under her pillow so maybe not...

Friday, October 8 1:00PM
Swear to God, I am going to lose 50 pounds in these 5 months unless thay do something about the meals here. What was that? It will never be in any of my cookbooks (unless I decide to do that one about White Trash Whip-Ups). Would a little garnish kill them? I will have to have Olivia come down for a talk.

Friday, October 8 4:35PM
It has been a quiet afternoon. Apparently Warden Clayton does not come down to talk to anybody. You have to schedule a time to meet with her. Well, we will see about that! Excuse me, but I volunteered to go to prison but I did not choose to come to a place that looks like something out of Deliverance. Oh no! I think that they picked me so the least they can do is show a little consideration.

Friday, October 8 4:45PM
Oh rapture, more good news --- Amandamandy plays the harmonica. She says her mom turned her on to Dylan when she was a kid and he was her inspiration. Dylan should die.

Friday, October 8 4:50PM
What is she looking at?

Friday, October 8 5:55PM
Dinner in 5 minutes. Should I be optimistic?

Friday, October 8 7:30PM
I sat next to Sara Jane (Moore, yes, that Sara Jane Moore), already a dear friend, and I commented that perhaps the food is the way it is because it is the end of the week and she laughed! She said that as far as she can tell, it has been the end of the week since the Ford administration. She talks about him a lot. This is not a good thing.

Friday, October 8 11:00PM
Lights out in 30 minutes. That means only 151 more days of hell on earth. My list for Warden Claypot grows --- lousy food, leering guards, harmonica playing. But, as Scarlet said, Tomorrow is another day! Our soccer team, the Angels, is playing the Danbury Dames tomorrow. Maybe I will go. Maybe I can switch sides of the field without anyone noticing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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