Today in the state of Maine, a very unpopular bill was passed into law by a state congressional vote that could have voters casting new ballots in November. The new law placed a tax on the intimate moments between married couples.
"They want to try to tax me for having sex with my husband?" an outraged Gladys Johnson demanded. "They can't do that!"
The state will levy a tax on all children, an additional tax on abortions, and, using a complex system, will tax couples based on the number of times they would logicly have sex to have conceived their children. The law does not stop there, however, and the continuances of the tax is what upsets many.
The state now requires all beds to include a sensor that is designed to record bed movements that could be a couple having sex, transmit these numbers to the state capitol, and, using another complex system, the state determines the number of times per month and per year the couple is having sex. The tax is then based on these numbers.
"It's a simple system, really," says Joel Richmond, the newly appointed Secretary of Sexual Taxation. "We calculate the length of time rhythmic motions are performed, the intensity of the motions, the age of the couple and the number of underage children in the household. Then we take that data, compare it to the number of children they have, the hormone levels of the couple, and so on to come up with the amount of the tax."
Couples would have to submit to hormone level tests so experts can estimate their level of sex drive. These tests would not be public data, but people worry about that kind of information in the hands of any government agency.
"Do you think I want to let the state know my testosterone levels? My sperm count?" Asked Phil McKenna, angry over what he called "Cibil Liverty violations." "These people will take that information and put it on their state web sites. That's public humiliation for a lot of people! I'll tell you this much, I ain't voting for none of those [expletive deleted] when they run again. You think they (the politicians) going to have sensors in their beds?"
There are provisions in the new law regarding sexual activities in places other than the marital bed. Sensors are to be placed in all hotel rooms in Maine and these will be set by the hotel employees to the names of the couple renting the room.
"They, um, want me to, um, go to the rooms with a guy and his hooker and, um, put their married names in the bed." 17-year-old Charles Monroe told us, "So they can check up on the, um, people. I don't want to have to, um, go in the rooms with them. It's bad enough when, um, they leave (condoms) and (sex toys) behind to clean up."
It is unclear how the State of Maine intends to collect taxes on it's citizens when they travel out of state or whether they will tax tourists. Spokesmen from the Department of Sexual Taxation have told us that the state is working on developing sensors for couches and automobile seats as well. "We want to make sure people aren't breaking the law by not paying their taxes." Joel Richmond says.